I fear the time has come. That time that I should have admitted to ages ago but refused to admit. By admitting "the time has come", I feel as though I am admitting to failure.
It's time for help. It's time to buy one of those self-help books I tend to avoid because I feel like I already know everything. I need one of those working mom books like What Happy Working Mothers Know.
I know that seeking help is not the equivalent to failure, and that it in fact is a sign of strength...to know that I can't do it all, to know when a thing is beyond my scope of skills. But I rarely feel that way. In fact I feel horrible. I feel like I'm failing my child, my employer and my self. I feel guilty that I don't dedicate enough time to my child (here I am on a Sunday with the sun shining, at the office). I feel guilty for feeding her crap because I can't work all day, make it home with decent time to prepare a great meal, have a great conversation while we eat, have a great bath time and book reading time to end with that movie quality bed time "tuck-in" ritual. I feel bad that she spends more waking hours with someone that is not her mom. I feel guilty because I truly believe I am letting her down.
It is not as though this is the first time this has come up since becoming a mom. Go on and ask someone how they do it and you'll get the obligatory response, "it's hard, but you have to find a good life balance". Well, if that's the answer, I'm doing poorly, been doing poorly on and off for the past two years. Other women do this thing, and they seem fine. Are they really not so fine? Am I trying to do too much? I just don't know what to do...and that in itself, that not knowing, this reaching out for help...it tears me apart, but not as bad as I tear myself apart with guilt.
I suppose I am especially feeling bad today because of a variety of reasons, one of which being that I've worked straight for the past three weeks without a weekend to myself to waste. I'm having a host of issues that do not even deal with work or being a mom per se. I realize that after I've vented here, and have a week that is less stressful, and maybe a regular weekend again...I won't feel so bad. But I guess buying another book can't hurt either, eh?