Dreading This Week

I've been dreading this week for several months now...at least, since my brother died.

My brother and I shared a birthday (though years apart), which happens to fall within this week.  This is my first birthday without him, ever.  He would have turned 40 this year and my mom and I had contemplated what to do for him since we felt like it was a special birthday.  Now, I don't even want to celebrate.  Eventually one day, the day might mean something very special but this year just hurts in immeasurable ways.  I've been dreading it, and now it's here and it feels just about as painful as I anticipated it be.  I dread every well wish sent my way, I dread every sympathetic comment meaningfully expressed, and I dread the thought of opening any gifts in hopes of cheering me up.  It's hard to thank people when the sorrow overwhelms the gratitude.  But people don't know...so it'll all happen anyway.  I will, in the very least, even if I don't express it well, be very thankful to have kind people in my life.

Our birthday will mark 6 months since his passing...6 months in which the scar still feels fresh and now irritated with what should be a celebration.

I miss him.

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