Four Years Ago

 It's been four years today that my older brother, Dusty, passed away.  Time seems to be measured in Before Death and After Death of him.  Other time landmarks pale in comparison.

I miss him greatly and often wonder what he would think of the political climate in the US, the Mandalorian, Star Trek Discovery, and COVID.  He was a hermit by nature, he would be thriving during COVID lockdowns.  

I still get teary-eyed and I know that if I talked about it, people would quietly think that I need to move one and let go.  I understand that sentiment to a degree...the relationship of a sibling seems nothing to that of parent/child or even spouses.  I would be disinclined to agree though, for when children experience trauma and struggles and have only each other to rely on for safety, care, sometimes basic needs...it's a bond that grows much deeper than one might think.

I miss him.  There's not much else to say.

Home

My kiddo stayed home today.  She had an upset stomach. In these days of uncertainty, I opted for keeping her at home and picking up homework.  

It makes me think of when I was a kid staying home from school and waiting for my brother to come home with my homework.  If either of us was sick, the healthy-in-school one would have to go to the other's teacher after school to collect books and assignments.

Ahhh, the good old days.

To Camp or Not to Camp

A new thing happened at our house.  We got rid of the camper and the truck and downgraded to a Jeep.  That's not to say "downgrade" is a bad thing...it's just physically a downgrade.

We hadn't been camping much, we were getting tired of putting the work into it.  It was a costly hobby, especially since we just weren't camping much.  But now it's gone, I have to say, I will miss some of our opportunities.  I want to camp and hang out with my cousin...something we can't do or will be severely limited.  I used to enjoy fall camping, which of course has gotten harder with a school-aged child.  That will likely not happen ever again. 

I have not, nor am I likely to get to drive the Jeep, so it feels like a bigger loss to me than to anyone else in the household.  It just feels like a loss with little gain.  But what can I do?

In other news, my brother's house sold at a foreclosure auction just yesterday.  I believe that it was literally 4 years to the day that he purchased it.  Sad he never got to live out some days in that home.

My mom is still in the process of moving as well.  It has been enjoyable for me to have her closer.

Well, that's all for now, will have to write later.

End of a Decade

I'm over half way through my day as it's 2:30 p.m. as I write this, which means I only have a handful of hours left of my 30's.  I have never been more paranoid and superstitious as I have been today.  Why?  I feel like a medieval curse has been cast upon my family and we are destined to die during the 39th year of our lives.   Laugh as you will but at this point in my life, I have made it longer in life than my father and older brother, both perishing during the 39th year of their lives.  So, maybe that curse was meant for the men, but paranoid I am!  

However, despite my constant fear of Final Destination-like occurrences today, I've been living it up in the final hours of my 30's.  Sure, it's true, I came to work today, so "living it up" may be relative, but it's true.  It's been a good day.  I don't have big plans tomorrow to celebrate the changing of decades, nor do I have big plans to celebrate Mother's Day.  But I do have some fun things to do with friends and family and to be honest...I'm happy to know I made it this far.  Remember, living every day is an honor and privilege and is not guaranteed.  It's taken me some time to really pay attention to that and losing my brother hit hard enough to make me realize it.  Every day that I make it through and wake up to another, I'm thankful.

I know that it will hit me sometime tonight or tomorrow that I won't be celebrating with my brother, whose birthday I was happy to share for 38 years of our time together.  10 years ago he was with me to celebrate the beginning of my 30's.  And yet, here I am without him.   I won't lie, it's hard.  Maybe it's a thing I should be able to get over, but I haven't, I can't.  I admit though, my dread of another birthday without him has at least made me realize, I can still celebrate for him.  For all the years he can't be here with me, I will always think of him.  I will always celebrate for him.  He will never be forgotten on what was his special day, too.  And one day, it might be easier.

So there you have it, the 30's have come, gone, and even taught me something!  See you in the 40's!

Outliving

Today is the day that marks the time in my life that I have officially lived longer than my father.  He passed away 78 days before his 40th birthday.  Feb. 22 is 78 days before my 40th birthday.

My older brother never made it to this date. 

Two Years

It's been two years today that my brother passed away.  I clearly still miss him and while the sting may not be as intense as it has previously been, the sting is still there.  I see little pieces of him in other people, in places, and in so many little objects that remind me of him.  These little sightings are both a blessing and a curse.  I'm happy to see a person cross his arms just the way my brother did, it means I remember.  But then the sting sharpens.

I know that he would not want me to feel bad about his absence, and if he were here he'd give me one of those one-armed-sideways hugs and say, "you're an idiot".  It would make me smile and I'd simply respond with "whatever".  We'd continue on where I would talk too much and ask a million questions and finally, he'd say, "what, I wasn't listening, I stopped listening when you said ..."

In any case, the sting is a solid one today.  Officially as of 5:38 AM, I have outlived my older brother.  Unofficially, the last time he was seen alive was December 10, 2016, and so sometime between midnightish and when the doctors and nurses finally called his death at 5:38 AM, he passed away.  So today, while I was sleeping, or perhaps in one of those moments where my alarm was going off and I was hitting snooze, I outlived my older brother. 

A blog post just can't summarize the turmoil my brain is in today.  It needs to be busy to mute the noise and so I'll say that I'm thankful to be busy at work, thankful for the meetings and the people that will consume my time, thankful to sadly live another day beyond what my brother was able.  Miss you Dusty.

Birthdays Again

It's the eve of my birthday, which means it's the eve of my brother's birthday too. I've had my mini meltdown at least once today and I can tell tomorrow is going to be hard. I've decided to skip this year's age. It seems that, at least the men of my family, are cursed with this particular age. It is the age that my father died and it's the age that my brother died and so I am just skipping it.  Wish me luck.

A Year Ago

My brother was alive a year ago, this moment, only hours left before he was gone. I'm trying not to think about it, but all my distractions are gone.  Everyone else is sleeping, the TV is off, no baking, sewing, or cleaning to complete.  I'll wake tomorrow (hopefully I'll sleep), recalling the frantic phone call from the hospital; this followed by frantic calls to my mom and younger brother, all the while, my oldest brother was gone.

Life has gone on, and waves of grief still linger, this moment being one of them. 

We've all lost a lot, at least I'm not in this alone.

Rest In Peace Grandpa

Today, a great man passed on.  He was my father's father, but the man who walked me down the aisle at my wedding as my own father should have, had he been alive.  My grandpa meant so much more to me than words can express.  I will eternally miss my grandpa, he was the only one I had.  I will remember him as the kindest man I ever knew.

He was the namesake of my father and brother, and now, the last of the Johns is gone.

This, on the day I lost my dog Riley, just 2 years ago.  Well, May 18, you take the greatest on this day, so thank you for peacefully taking my grandpa.  As was his belief, may he be reunited with his loved ones, but mostly his beloved wife, Eva.  May it be the glorious reunion he anticipated.

My grandpa suffered for a year from what we would later learn was cancer.  The fight is over, he won on his own terms. Rest In Peace, Grandpa.

Birthdays

Today is a particularly hard day because it was my brother’s birthday, it was actually our birthday, the day which we mutually (and not always willingly) shared.  Here I am now, unwillingly without him, on our birthday.  Today also marks 5 months since his death which is an unreal feeling to be honest.  Sometimes, in brief and serene moments of life, I will actually forget that he’s gone.  Then a trigger reminds me and it hurts all over again.   

I wanted to do something nice for my brother on this day and so, since it also happens to be Give STL Day, I donated in his memory to a couple of places.  It’s a little thing, seems insignificant, doesn’t really make me feel any better but it’s something.  Somewhere out there someone will see “In Memory of…” and even though they don’t know my brother, they’ll think of him during that brief moment and know that someone loves and misses him.

https://www.givestlday.org/gotyoursixsupportdogs

https://www.givestlday.org/poundpetsinc

Happy Birthday Dusty.

Dreading This Week

I've been dreading this week for several months now...at least, since my brother died.

My brother and I shared a birthday (though years apart), which happens to fall within this week.  This is my first birthday without him, ever.  He would have turned 40 this year and my mom and I had contemplated what to do for him since we felt like it was a special birthday.  Now, I don't even want to celebrate.  Eventually one day, the day might mean something very special but this year just hurts in immeasurable ways.  I've been dreading it, and now it's here and it feels just about as painful as I anticipated it be.  I dread every well wish sent my way, I dread every sympathetic comment meaningfully expressed, and I dread the thought of opening any gifts in hopes of cheering me up.  It's hard to thank people when the sorrow overwhelms the gratitude.  But people don't know...so it'll all happen anyway.  I will, in the very least, even if I don't express it well, be very thankful to have kind people in my life.

Our birthday will mark 6 months since his passing...6 months in which the scar still feels fresh and now irritated with what should be a celebration.

I miss him.

Sun, Is That You?

I'm feeling better than I have been feeling for a little while, both physically and mentally.  The physical part is no doubt related to just eating better and more regular exercise (and my whopping 40lb shrugs I did yesterday in Fitness class, hoorah).  The mental part is probably related in a good part to that as well but I'm also allowing sunshine to claim a role.  It's nice to peek outside of the fog (I say that both figuratively and literally).

I haven't let myself listen to sad music, or the music that makes me feel sad (because sometimes they are not one in the same) and I am always surprised at the role that music can play in one's mood.  The kiddo and I were talking this morning about music and we thought it would be fun if everyone danced and sang as just a regular part of life...as if we were all in a musical...you may guess that our morning routine has become a scene from our very own musical.  If it's not entertaining, it's at least motivating, and some how keeps us both perked up for the morning and that certainly has a small part in my good mood as well.

Anyway, I keep chugging along and emotionally I know that I'm on a roller coaster and the lows will come with the highs but I'll deal with them when the cart gets there.  I continue to miss my brother, continue to panic at the overwhelming aftermath of his death, continue to worry about my mom and other family members, and I continue to keep myself busy with family, work, teaching, sewing, etc. and it helps.  I'm enjoying this semester's students.  They are good people, ask great questions, and make me laugh.

Why am I even writing this post?  What you can't see is that for this one post I am publishing, is about 10 posts I chose not to publish because they are angry and sad posts written over the course of the past 6 weeks.  And while each one represents, pretty accurately, how I've been feeling about myself and people in general, it's not the message I want to send out in the world.  My last published posts here were all either sad, or me complaining about this or that.  My past few years have been peppered with deaths, chaos, and messy things...but for the bulk of the time, they've been decent and I never write posts that say, "life is decent" and I thought I should.  ESPECIALLY after looking at my 10 unpublished posts...

So, life is decent, even with the peppering of bad stuff that's usually followed up by lots of grief and stress, life is still decent.  So go out and lift some weights, or run/bike a few laps, listen to delightful music, take care of your shit, and do good things.  Sometimes it's foggy, and sometimes it's not.

1 Month Out

It's been one month since my brother passed away.

Since then so many things have happened, either because they had to, or because time goes on and we have no choice.  And because so much has happened it feels like it's been more than a month.  Yet....yet somehow....as I wake in the morning and go through the motions of living life, it occurs to me that my brother is gone and it hurts in indescribable ways.  I see the little things that remind me of him, or someone says something in way that reminds me of him, or I have a question that I have no doubts he would have had an answer for....there are just all these things that make me think of him and all those things....it all that makes me feel like the day is still December 11th.  Mentally, I've been on that day this whole time.

In some ways, I've been through this before.  I have lost loved ones before.  I only within the last year and a half lost both of my beloved dogs.  I know how this goes.  You can damage your ankle with a really bad sprain and it hurts immensely but slowly heals.  It may look fine on the outside, and might function as well as can be, but now there's arthritis and it hurts all the time; you just learn to cope with a regularly sore ankle.  In this case I have a really sore heart.

I don't know if it feels so much worse because he was my brother, at times my savior, and the person that, even when we didn't speak regularly, I knew he was there.  I could count on him to help out with whatever might come up; I looked up to him because he was amazing.  He was the guy I put on a pedestal.  Sure, we didn't talk often and he was private so knowing him as an adult was difficult.  But deep down, he was who he always was to me...and in my mind, we're still just kids doing the things that I have the best memories of...I can't seem to move on from that.

Maybe this is harder for me now because in the past, I was too young or maybe too removed from a loved one to have to deal with the aftermath.  This time, I'm calling people almost everyday to sort out my brother's estate.  It's a lot of repeating the word "deceased".  It's overwhelming in task alone, but more so because I have to face the reality of it.  I'm not even alone in this.  My younger brother, my mom, and I have tag teamed this venture and it's so confusing and so voluminous with tasks that it's hard to break down.

Of course I can't let this beat me, or define me.  I know this.  I know I am not alone.  I try to be thankful everyday for the people I have, for the help I have, the kindness of friends and family, and for the fact that I am at least able to live in a way that I think would make my brother proud (the one real person I've always tried to impress).  So yea, I get up everyday, and I go to work, and I go teach class, and I do the house and parenting stuff, and I try to fit in all the other stuff...and in general I do these things as well as I can and I try not to dwell on my brother's death.  And I try not to be that person that's whiny or airs dirty laundry or dwells on a subject.  But, on the inside, mentally I'm not where I should be; physically I am trying; and yes I am angry because he's gone, and angry because, for everyone else, time goes on and I so desperately want to go back in time; and the guilt...well, I will always wish I did more.  So forgive me my few rants and ignore my red eyes should catch me after I've been crying.  This will get better, but one month out is definitely not my time.

Sad

The sadness hits like a ton of bricks, each and every night.  I think of all the things I should have said and never did. A terrible lesson learned in a devastating way.

Spreadsheets

My brother passed away on Sunday, December 11, 2016 and it's an all consuming event.  There's every stage of grief to deal with and there's no doubt that I'm stuck and dwelling in the depression stage.

I hate how life goes on...everyone joyfully posting on Facebook, everyone happily attending Christmas programs and parties, everyone defending their greatest causes and concerns...everyone just going on.  And here I am stuck wanting to go back in time, if even just a week.  But time does goes on, and I have to keep going or get railroaded so I do what I do best, I just work.  I work on taking care of my child, I work on work stuff, I work on sewing projects, I work taking care of my brother's funeral, I work on taking care of  all the stuff that happens to someone after they die.  And in this process I learn a little more about my brother each time.

I had a recent discovery this week after talking to my brother's employer.  Dusty (or John if you prefer) was an avid spreadsheetist.  It was yet another thing we had in common, and I never knew that.  It is at least a comfort.

One of the things his colleague said she would miss was that he was a wealth of knowledge, the go to guy for work questions, or computer questions, or just trivia.  She then said that she would also miss his spreadsheets (which made me smile).  He apparently had a spreadsheet for everything; and if he didn't have it, he'd make one, and for anyone that asked.  It broke me a bit to hear this because, as silly as it sounds, it was a common denominator.  I love spreadsheets and do as much as I can with them.  I also often find myself helping others with their spreadsheet needs.  He did this as well!  (How did I not know this?)

And so....there's a guy in my office who always comes to me with spreadsheet questions and today, when he stopped by with one, I felt this little flutter in my heart knowing that my brother and I shared this common bond of helping coworkers with spreadsheets.  I helped perform this little task, promptly walked back to my desk and quietly shed some tears.

Dusty

My older brother Dusty died today and I'mean heartbroken and devastated.   I miss you bubby.

18 Years Ago Today

I remember what I was doing 18 years ago today.  I sat at my Aunt JoAnne's home with my younger brother at my side.  We were informed that at nearly 1:00 in the morning, my father had passed away.  July 24th, 1994. He was only 39 years old.

Less than 12 hours before that where I was exhausted from being at the hospital, Aunt Jo asked if we'd like to stay at her house with her over night.  My older brother who had no fear of being home alone chose to get dropped off at home.  Drew and I went to stay with Aunt Jo.  I went to say good bye to my dad, to say I would see him in the morning.  By this time he was already in a coma, and as I went to give him a kiss good bye I knew it was the end.  Despite all the signs, the words, the "understanding", this time I knew it.  When I kissed him good bye, the last time I ever would do so, he didn't return the kiss.  I'd watched him in a coma for at least a day or more and had no idea really.  This time I did.  I would never converse with or gain affection from him ever again.

I said good bye, I touched his face, and I walked out of the room where I pressed my back to the wall and sunk to the ground in an uncontrollable fit of tears and sadness hoping no one saw me.  I calmed down to a point and remember (of all things) a nurse asking if I wanted a Popsicle. 

18 years later I still remember the lack of response the last time I said good bye.  I still regret not being a more loving child, a more supportive child, just a better person in general.  I still regret mean things I said to him or about him.  I've learned that you can't live life in such a way that allows these regrets to seep into you.  Sure, everyone has passionate bouts where they say or do the wrong things...but I had more of those than most, and perhaps some justified.  By the time I got to say goodbye, my father didn't know.  Now all I can do is show up at his grave and remember the last place his body ever was...

Dani will never know him; he never got to see me graduate high school or college (twice!); nor was he able to walk me down the aisle and have a father-daughter dance with me.  These things are what hurt.  But to every sad thing I know there are positives.  My father was unhealthy and now that isn't an issue.  He met Holly before he left us, a very rare opportunity for fate to show its face.  Our lives could have been tragically different if things were the way the had been the last year's of my father's life.  A thousand "what-ifs" are all we can speculate. 

I suppose my father's passing has made me a better person, more understanding, and watchful of the horrible words I may say.  It made me grow up at 15 years old.  It made me appreciate the things I had and things I earned.  It made me proud to talk about my dad, to honor him.  To this day, 18 years later, it isn't easier, I've just gained more understanding.

Chet the Jet

I recommend books all the time that people probably end up hating and wondering why I'd even bother reading let alone recommending! But one of the books I once recommended to my brother was Dog On It by Spencer Quinn, seemingly enjoyed by all. My mom and both my brothers read it. Since then, and to my utmost delight, I found the blog by Chet the Jet (hero of the book, a dog named Chet). I also follow Chet on Twitter! Anyway, the new book is out, Thereby Hangs A Tail.

I chose to mention this because I was reading today's blog which made me chortle aloud at work, thus giving away the fact I wasn't actually working. [People don't laugh at work in this industry]. So it goes, Chet arrives home and realizes that there have been trespassers. I'm on edge with anticipation as to who might have been on his property...

...I followed the scents: squirrel, bird, the mailman, toad, and several of my guys, including – Iggy?

...I have to laugh, that's just exactly what a dog would do; get everyone up in arms thinking some one is at the door or breaking into the house, you charge through rooms at the ready to find, but what, really?, that's just a squirrel taunting you with it's tail! Ohhhhh Dogs!

Anyway, good books, go read!

SMART ASS
WHAT AM I?

I am a form of dance.

I have companies throughout the world.

My lead dancers are called principals.

I have five main positions.

Edgar Degas’ paintings of me are well known.

The Nutcracker and Swan Lake are among my popular works.

Mikhail Baryshnikov is one of my most famous dancers.

My apparel can include tutus and toe shoes.

[easy peasy japanesy...and on that note, Mike, you were right, it was Degas...interesting that we just had that conversation yesterday]

WORDS

febrile: marked or caused by fever; feverish. This word, along with fever, are derived from the Latin word febris, meaning a fever.

confabulate: 1.:to talk informally; chat. 2. to hold a discussion; to confer. 3.:to fill in gaps in memory by fabrication. Confabulate, fabulous, and fable are all derivatives of the Latin word fabula meaning "conversation" or "story" depending on the usage.

kinesics: a systematic study of the relationship between nonlinguistic body motions (as blushes, shrugs, and eye movement) and communication. The formal study of "body language" is believed to have begun with the publishing of Ray Birdshistell's book Introduction to Kinesics in 1952.

NaBloPoMo Day Three Post Three -V

I won't have time later so I'm writing early. I'm at work and the slave driver will be in soon, so I can't write too long....

My new life's strategy from coworker Jim: "Under promise and over deliver every time", set the bar low and you will succeed and avoid failure every time! I've tried this strategy a few times and failed anyway, so I can't say it'll be effective, but you never know right!

A very quick story and one word...

V
Years ago there was a television miniseries called "V". It stood for the "visitors" and was about aliens coming to take over Earth. I was probably 4 or maybe 5 at the time and therefore my older brother was about 6 or 7. We became instant fans as everyone in my household was a fervent fan of the thing called science fiction. We all still are to this day. Anyway, we were huge fans, we played "V" regularly. We made our own posters displaying the iconic red V, the symbol of the resistance(V for victory which was spray-painted over posters promoting Visitor friendship among humans). Eventually, the family moved to a new house a year or two later, and somewhere we managed to get our hands on some red spray paint. As you can guess Dusty and I painted the town red...or at least various parts of the backyard with the drippy red V!

Word
electile dysfunction (ED): The state of impotence and abject disinterest toward the political elective process.

BY THE WAY, IT'S ELECTION DAY, GO VOTE, YOU AIN'T GOT ED!

Places That Are Not Other

Ever used bit.ly to shorten your links? If you have, you might ponder where the location "other" may refer to; and if you haven't, I wonder what the hell you do to pass the time!

bit.ly refuses thus far to tell me where "Other" could consist of, therefore, I have created a list of places it could be, and places it probably is not. [In bit.ly's defense, I haven't really bugged them about this issue]

I'll be updating this every time I find a new place that is not other...please let me know if you have any leads. Thanks.

Maybe Other?	Probably Not
China	Slovenia
Principality of Sealand	US
Pentagon "Basement"	Ireland
My Brother Dusty's secret lair	Netherlands
Outer Space	Romania
Canada	Canada
Mauritius***	Peru*
	Ukraine*
	Philippines**
	Republic of Korea**
	Mauritius***
	Malta****
	Bolivia****

[* added October 1 2009]
[** added July 22 2010]
[*** added July 27 2010]
[**** added October 7 2010]

Send me ideas by commenting, or by emailing me!

[post script] Further study shows that there is not only "Other", but "Other Countries" listed in bit.ly results, as seen in this screen shot...