Birthdays

Today is a particularly hard day because it was my brother’s birthday, it was actually our birthday, the day which we mutually (and not always willingly) shared.  Here I am now, unwillingly without him, on our birthday.  Today also marks 5 months since his death which is an unreal feeling to be honest.  Sometimes, in brief and serene moments of life, I will actually forget that he’s gone.  Then a trigger reminds me and it hurts all over again.   

I wanted to do something nice for my brother on this day and so, since it also happens to be Give STL Day, I donated in his memory to a couple of places.  It’s a little thing, seems insignificant, doesn’t really make me feel any better but it’s something.  Somewhere out there someone will see “In Memory of…” and even though they don’t know my brother, they’ll think of him during that brief moment and know that someone loves and misses him.

https://www.givestlday.org/gotyoursixsupportdogs

https://www.givestlday.org/poundpetsinc

Happy Birthday Dusty.

Nightmares...Again

I’ve been having nightmares again. They seemed to lessen for a period of time for a couple months at most, but a couple of months is far greater than you can imagine when it comes to impeding my sleep. They are back and I don't know why. Stress? Lowered immune system? Actual fear? I just can't figure it out. Here are some of the details, perhaps you have some insight.

Often times my nightmare consists of me looking for something. After awaking, I rarely remember what it was that I looked for...I just know that in my dream I am looking for something. In this process I walk into rooms and become startled. Take a moment to follow this thought with me...you walk into a room that you think is empty and suddenly realize someone is in the room; or similarly let's say you have a large doll/mannequin/masks/human-sized-cardboard-cutout...sometimes you might catch this out of the corner of your eye and it startles you because you think someone is there for the briefest of moments. Whatever the case may be, it is momentarily frightening, causing your heart to feel as though it's pounding in your throat along with the confusion that comes along that causes you to glance back every now and again to be sure! In my dreams, while searching, I will catch something out of the corner of my eye. My heart races and I am consumed with fear but when I glance over to see who or what is there, it usually turns out to be a mask. There are several masks I see over and over again, though my mind has seen many in dream form. I can only show you one of the masks by photo but the others may be mere figments of my imagination as I can’t recall where I would have seen them in the real world (one appearing to be a human face simply peeled away from the body and limply laying right side out; the other is a very fine porcelain mask with feminine features but painted in a sparkly blue paint. Think pretty Blue Man Group with cats eyes. It ties in the back with light pink satin ribbon).

Last night’s dreams were much different than my typical. There were two distinct dreams I awoke from startled. The first that I can’t quite recall much about had to do with my teeth. My teeth had been wired shut and the moment I took the wiring off, my teeth cracked and fell out. While very little was left in my gums, what remained were shards of bony tooth that cut the inside of my mouth.

The second of dreams I had was about water, one of my biggest fears. I was in charge of getting a ’63 split back Corvette (black and white with smooth dark grey interior…so nice I could have licked it if it were real) overseas. As part of the transport, I was to follow the shipping container that contained the most beautiful car known to man. As it goes, I was on a ship outside of the cabin. The sea was rough and I didn’t have a life preserver. I was holding onto a post for dear life as the ship rocked to and fro with water splashing all around. The water was a dark green that couldn’t be seen into, and the last memory of that dream I have is being startled awake as the ship tipped over to its side. When I awoke my hands were cold and clinched so tightly into fists that my fingernails had dug into the flesh of my palms.

[As a side note, I want to send many thanks to Drew for making a donation to my 5k! Awesome support! Thanks so much baby bro, you rock, and I still have your birthday present in my backpack!] [Also, if you are wondering, donations can still be made]

NaBloPoMo Day 21 Post 20 - Donations

First of all let me say that I am fully aware that I'm cheating! Instead of doing a post a day for National Blog Post Month, where I've already missed three, I'm "catching up" by posting several over the last few days. Meh, as everything goes with me: I tried, I failed, I now perform a mend to the situation. Hence, a post...

Anyway, if you've read the blog as of rather recently you will know that I'm participating in a 5k. Please feel free to come along with me. Also, I am collecting donations (that can be made online or by mail in check). To check my status you can look in the upper left of this blog or by checking on my fundraiser site!

Thanks!

NaBloPoMo Day Nine Post Seven - Oops!

Okay, so by the title I would hope you could infer that I missed two posts. I would hope more so that you are one of my two readers that pay attention often enough to simply know that I missed two posts.

Anyway, I'm way off the course of topic which is "how and why I would miss blogging"! I would like to blame work, since it is after all overwhelming me these days! I cannot though. As you may know, I was off to Berkley, California for a couple of days for a volunteer meeting for SEI (Structural Engineering Institute) that I am involved in since I am the local St. Louis Chair. It's not grand. You could even go so far to say I am Chair only because I lost the election. To be true though, I enjoy it some times as I altruistically love structural engineering. Sorry, off track, I won't dwell there but will get back to my point. I returned on Saturday, my first missed blog day/post. I would have sent a short blog from my phone, but was traveling non-stop in such a manner that my phone was on airplane mode most of the day. When I did get back to St. Louis, it was late, and so I only got a chance to do anything besides move at around 10pm; at which time I crashed into bed holding on snugly to my dogs that I missed dearly. It didn't occur to me until later in the day Sunday that I'd missed a day. I had sort of made a silent vow to blog Sunday with an extra to make up for my mistake. Well, you see how that went!

None the less, the bloggity guilt has overwhelmed me...and as such I will spend an enormous amount of time today catching up! Now is the time to either really try to focus with me, or to simply scroll to the bottom for your words!

-Thursday mom had surgery. She is doing well, but in a lot of pain. Thanks for all the well wishes!

-Thursday I flew out to Oakland, took the BART to the North Berkley station where I waited for a hotel shuttle to pick me up. Turns out two of the other meeting attendees were also waiting, so I got a head start meeting people!

-Friday I went to my meeting that went well. We then took off for a boat ride around the bay to look at the old, new, and still under construction Bay Bridge. I encourage you to go check out baybridgeinfo.org. We had a great guide and an all around great trip on the bay (despite my innate fear of water, I enjoyed myself). See pictures below.

-Upon returning to the hotel (that sits in a marina) I discovered that I didn't need to go to any meetings that evening, but only to a dinner that was several hours away. I decided to take that time to go for a jog in a nearby park, Cesar Chavez Park (see below for location and pictures). While jogging I literally had to stop to catch my breath from the over powering view. At the North end of the park as one turns the corner from the East, you can see out over the bay to the mountains, to Yogi Bear Island (see a map for real Island name), to the Golden Gate and Bay bridges, and even to San Fransisco. Breath.Taking!

- I flew home on Saturday leaving some meetings early. Saturday was the 7th, my anniversary. Considering how this year has gone, it's a small miracle we've even made it to three years. I choose not to air laundry on my blog, not the place nor the time. But, it should be noted that we did have a third anniversary and I did make it home for part of it!

- Sunday was a gorgeous day that started by taking the dogs to meet Amanda and Lou in a dog park in Edwardsville. They were worn out pretty quick, thankfully! From there we took the pooches home to then headed over to Kitchen Conservatory where I bought a knife as a gift, but the best part was that it was made in Germany (not China). I also bought some Vanilla Extract Paste.

-I made a small donation here...

Donate Here!

Words...
disco nap: Sleeping when you have something going later on that you need to get ready for.
Kraft singles: Dollar bills. Derived from another slang term that refers to money as "cheese".
audible: To make an unexpected, last-minute decision. This definition is derived from its meaning in football.

Twisted Clarifications and Additions

I wanted to step back to my Twisted Traits blog to add another trait, and to clarify one that apparently has people believing I am a morbid person who likes to hang out in coffins.

ADDITIONAL TWISTED TRAIT
-Your idea about food pantries having can throwing donations. -Amanda

CLARIFICATIONS FOR TWISTED TRAITS
-The can throwing thing:

This is one of those instances where knowing me helps make sense of the oddities you might read about me. I've learned to accept my idiosyncratic self as is and to try and make do with the tools I've been given. One of those idiosyncratic tools is the art of throwing heavy objects to release frustration. We all know someone who does, or wants to do this. I like to call these people the "stompers". You know who I'm talking about; your friend or family member that doesn't get his or her way and stomps wildly in a tantrum! Had they a heavy object to throw, they could very well be aiming at your head!

So, I have a brilliant [or so I think] idea! A food pantry could set up a "throwing booth" where "stompers" such as myself could come, pay a dollar, bring a can, and hurl it as hard as possible at some cushioned backdrop! It serves three very valid purposes! One is the obvious release of frustration by said "stomper". Two is the donation of canned goods. Three, the food pantry also gets a monetary donation. So, tell me how this is a bad idea?

-The coffin thing:

I do not lay down every night and pretend I'm hanging out in a coffin.

Sometimes when I lay down at night smitten with an inane bout of insomnia, I go through thousands of thoughts. And when I lay just right with my hands folded this way or that, I start to think that I must look like I'm laying in a coffin, which leads to thinking about dead bodies and what it might feel like to be in the coffin with that frilly white pillow puffed up around my decaying corpse painted and modeled just so for everyone to see, and stuck that way for eternity. When I say "I like to lay in bed and position myself in various "coffin positions" to see what would seem a best way to rest forever"; I don't mean to make it sound like I have the time of my life and that I would even do this often, because that is not the case; but in terms of major bouts of insomnia, it is just one of those odd and perhaps twisted things that I do. I also honestly believe everyone does this, or has done this at least once in his or her life (especially children after first seeing a loved one in a coffin). If not, you will now!