I Hate Change

I've said it, what seems like, a million times.  I do not handle change well.  This past year has really tested me and while I can at least say I'm coming out alive and essentially unscathed (thank my lucky stars)...mentally I am a basket case.

Let's go back to March of 2014.  That isn't when the major changes happened but that's when they started creeping into my life.

March 2014 - I moved from the downtown office location of my then employer to a satellite office.  The new office wasn't bad but it was a change no less.  I liked the people there, I liked the new office, I even managed to handle the longer commute.  In no time I felt adjusted.  I think it might have helped that I had a new friend among coworkers and it smoothed things out for me.

July 2014 - We decide to enroll Lil Bit in preschool.  I have a hard time with this for two reasons...I feel weird about taking her from my sister, who had watched her since I returned to work when she was 3 months old.  I also feel weird because she's growing up and I'm not ready for this.  I'm not ready for the change in life, the change in schedule, the change in her innocence...etc.  You understand if you've ever been there.  It's the last time you'll enroll your baby in preschool...she's no longer a baby, she's a freaking PRESCHOOLER.  It's rough but I think I can do it.

August 2014 - Lil Bit's first day of school; there are festivities the entire week before, events, meetings with the new teacher, school supply shopping, much ado about preschool.  I cried like a baby when I dropped her off and had to turn around and walk away.  Heartbreaking.  I guess the nice thing in terms of change is that it wasn't necessarily a huge change in my schedule as my husband generally took Lil Bit 2 days a week to his parents in the morning and they took her and picked her up from school.  It was significant that she was not at my sister's for 5 days of the week.  But, there was a plus, let me tell you, I have waited ages to take my child (I thought about this even when I did not have a child) school supply shopping.  It, in some ways, got me through this week.

September 2014 - My sister informs me that she's moving to a different state.  I hold it together long enough to leave her house before I sob the entire way home.  She was there for me always...literally, physically there for me.  She consoled me, amused me, cared for my child, and in general was just there for me.  I panic for a bit but then go into "get things done" mode.  I make provisions for my daughter's child care which now means that she's going to Child Care 3 days a week and to the grandparents/school two days a week.  It is a significant change to my schedule but also a significant change in my venting sessions.  If not for my new coworker/friend...it could have gone bad...but I managed through it.  I struggled, felt depressed, came to terms, worked through it, and came out unscathed having finally gotten into a comfortable but revised schedule and routine by the end of October.  I am happy for my sister and her family...it has seemed to work out well for all.

December 2014 - I am laid off from my then employer.  I'm hit hard by this....come home to sob into Riley who sat there staring at me like I was nuts, after all, it was just a job.  This whole ordeal severely depresses me and I keep myself busy with sewing projects and Christmas events and volunteering at Lil Bit's school.  I didn't even read during this time.  Also, December depresses me in general because it's the end of the holiday season when things get packed up and festive decorations come down and we begin the Holiday Doldrums until May.  I really suffer silently through this.  I am fortunate to have found a new (and better in so many ways) job within one week of my lay-off.  I get a month off, essentially paid for, during the holidays to spend with my family, and to do things for my child's school.  In hindsight I see this and think of nothing depressing at all.  Just a lot of change.

January 2015 - I start my new job.  I also start teaching a class two evenings a week at SIUE.  Lil Bit starts taking a dance class.  It's a major adjustment to routine and schedule.  We struggle through but are settled by the end of February.

April 2015 - I decide to start taking care of myself again.  I exercise, I eat well, I take great vitamins (that I even promote to people (Advocare if you are wondering)).  I'm doing well...I feel the best I've felt in a long time.

May 2015 - The most devastating month ever.  Everything feels like it ends in May.  I finished the book series I had been reading since September 2014.  Change to a new book I suppose.  Final exams for my class end the first week in May and while I'm happy for it to be over, it's a change.  Lil Bit's first year of preschool comes to end.  I miss her teacher already.  Again, change.  Dance class comes to an end (the recital was today and Lil Bit doesn't think she wants to dance again...I kind of miss it).  Change.  Despite all this change and adjustment to schedules (even with the beginning of camping season and the opening of the pool, and just things in general) the one thing that is killing me over and over is the loss of Riley.  I miss him and I say it's heartbreaking and sometimes I wonder if that's going to be literal for me because the panic attacks I get thinking of him hurt my heart, and my lungs, and every single part of me as I gasp for breath.  I feel silly acting this way.  He was after all a dog...we expect the loss of them over our lifetime...it wasn't entirely a surprise, though far too soon.  I can't help but break each day as I see something that makes me think of my friend.  It's been the hardest change so far.

I feel ridiculous not being able to handle change.  Ridiculous.  It could be so much worse...trust me, I play the scenarios in my head often.  I'd talk them out but in some ways I've lost some of my best consolation between Riley, my sister, and my coworker/friend.  They listened when they didn't need to and still at least 2 of them do...just not face to face, it makes things a bit harder.  And, looking back to the past, I realize I do get over it; but right now, I just feel.....ridiculous, lousy, panicky, and lost just to name a few.  I hate this feeling.  I just go everyday for as long as I can and when the feeling overwhelms me, and it does, I just let it wash over me so I can get back up and move on out of the sludge as best as possible.  And hopefully, in a few months, when a million more changes have come at me...maybe I can look back to now and say, "If I made it through that, I will make it again"...and if not, I guess I should go school supply shopping?

In any case, it feels good to have gotten this off my chest.  Thanks world for listening.  My heart goes out to a few of my friends suffering through their own things.  One friend T. lost his long time girlfriend to a peculiar medical incident which leaves him and her entire family mourning the loss of a very special young woman.  My friend K. is losing her dad and while I wish there was something I could say to her to ease the pain...I can only just sit here and be ready to hug her when she needs it.  Lousy feeling indeed.  My friend C. lost a niece tragically in a car accident this week and her sister is struggling to stay alive...I've been thinking of them often.  And to a woman I only know professionally, I hope to never know your pain of losing a child.  Her son died this week, age 27, while exercising.  He was in generally good health.   Life is so fragile, I try to remember that this crappy feeling of mine could be trumped with real sadness of fear in the blink of an eye.  Hug those you love, tell them you care....never let a crappy mood get you so down you miss the good things.

18 Years Ago Today

I remember what I was doing 18 years ago today.  I sat at my Aunt JoAnne's home with my younger brother at my side.  We were informed that at nearly 1:00 in the morning, my father had passed away.  July 24th, 1994. He was only 39 years old.

Less than 12 hours before that where I was exhausted from being at the hospital, Aunt Jo asked if we'd like to stay at her house with her over night.  My older brother who had no fear of being home alone chose to get dropped off at home.  Drew and I went to stay with Aunt Jo.  I went to say good bye to my dad, to say I would see him in the morning.  By this time he was already in a coma, and as I went to give him a kiss good bye I knew it was the end.  Despite all the signs, the words, the "understanding", this time I knew it.  When I kissed him good bye, the last time I ever would do so, he didn't return the kiss.  I'd watched him in a coma for at least a day or more and had no idea really.  This time I did.  I would never converse with or gain affection from him ever again.

I said good bye, I touched his face, and I walked out of the room where I pressed my back to the wall and sunk to the ground in an uncontrollable fit of tears and sadness hoping no one saw me.  I calmed down to a point and remember (of all things) a nurse asking if I wanted a Popsicle. 

18 years later I still remember the lack of response the last time I said good bye.  I still regret not being a more loving child, a more supportive child, just a better person in general.  I still regret mean things I said to him or about him.  I've learned that you can't live life in such a way that allows these regrets to seep into you.  Sure, everyone has passionate bouts where they say or do the wrong things...but I had more of those than most, and perhaps some justified.  By the time I got to say goodbye, my father didn't know.  Now all I can do is show up at his grave and remember the last place his body ever was...

Dani will never know him; he never got to see me graduate high school or college (twice!); nor was he able to walk me down the aisle and have a father-daughter dance with me.  These things are what hurt.  But to every sad thing I know there are positives.  My father was unhealthy and now that isn't an issue.  He met Holly before he left us, a very rare opportunity for fate to show its face.  Our lives could have been tragically different if things were the way the had been the last year's of my father's life.  A thousand "what-ifs" are all we can speculate. 

I suppose my father's passing has made me a better person, more understanding, and watchful of the horrible words I may say.  It made me grow up at 15 years old.  It made me appreciate the things I had and things I earned.  It made me proud to talk about my dad, to honor him.  To this day, 18 years later, it isn't easier, I've just gained more understanding.

I Lost the Election

Phew, it's one of those days, but thus far productive!

First I want to say that I in no way intend to offend anyone who reads. For instance, the whole "strictly 2 kids per couple" ideology...well, I am part of 4 siblings; my sister has 4 wonderful children; my dad was 1 of 5 children and my mom was 1 of 5. I love each of these people completely independent of some numeric embodiment. My ideas are just that, my ideas. So, never take anything I say personally. I don't want to judge you. I don't want to judge anyone! I'd rather see that you are different and learn from you than for you to think I'm unswayable in opinion! Got it? It's just that I honestly write for me, so I splatter my slobbery words all over this blog, and rarely think before hitting the "Publish Post" button!

Now I want to say that I made awesome apple pies. I plan on writing my first food blog soon! So stayed tuned for that!

I heard from Shane again, who claims he will be "ok". I can only assume he won't lie to me, and while he appears to have never made a huge effort to lie to me, I don't trust people, so I can only have some faith in this instance [faith is something I have little of].

I also heard from Holly, I am glad to see she is alive and functioning about the best she can! Keep the chin up sis! She was also able to provide me with some insight and opinions, which I always appreciate!

I made this blog/site for an organization I am involved in: http://www.seistudents.com. I volunteer for a lot of stuff, SEI-St. Louis for one, of which I am the chairman only because I lost the election. I need to learn to say no, so, yea, give me any tips you can. I typically feel guilty for saying no, and yet I can be so mean...how does this work exactly?? Really though, I blog for work and enjoy it. I used to do a newsletter for SEAKM (another eng. org.) and I enjoyed it for a period of time. This little web thing I'm doing it fun for the moment. I feel so compelled to help people I almost don't notice the stress and socialization required. It all catches up with me though! Eh, whatcha gonna do?

I Always Say Too Much!

Okay, I have an agenda of topics, so pardon my "bulleting"...I've had a magners, some chocolate, and a long effing week...buckle in and hold on to your britches!

ONE...I've decided to be Strawberry Shortcake for Halloween. I'd love to have the whole berry gang too, so if you feel compelled to dress up, and if you feel compelled to hang out with me [for plans yet undecided], then please, by all means, pick one of the gang and dress up with me! I plan on making my costume, but if I fall short on time I'll be dressing up in a premade sleazy Shortcake costume. Mike, you'd make a cute Huckleberry Pie. If we were talking in person I'd use my smirk to charm you into to it! ;)

TWO...this story was boring, I deleted it...I will assume you are grateful. Please save your thanks for later! [Had to do with me using power tools is all]

THREE...I was going to complain about going to the girly doctor. I even had it all written out. But, then I felt like it revealed too much medical information that I shouldn't share. I will assume you are grateful. Please save your thanks for later!

FOUR...So yesterday I got home from a really long day of work. I walk in to find out that my beautiful bully Bella was grey. You may not see the alarm in this, but you should know that she is a white furred doggie....covered in ashes from rolling in the burn pile. To say the least, I was not pleased, but this did mean that she and I had to shower together [the only real productive way to bathe a dog]. Here are some snapshots!

the bait	the beast	smile!

FIVE...Just a few things to some people who may or may not read any of this...Shane posted on Facebook today, he IS alive, I am completely elated with this knowledge, I hope to hear more! I am hoping @ibificus is enjoying his Friday that is leading to a hangover for Saturday...which is sure to be "impressive". Those boys in Ireland worry me sometimes! Speaking of boys in Ireland, another I'm sure I should worry about is @FrankieP. If there were ever a human that enjoyed scaring themselves, it would be him. I could see him dressing up in frightening costumes and then jumping in front of the mirror for the simple pleasure of the heart racing fright he might get! He inspired a nightmare I had about a masked person. To @sheehanpaul, I hope you are enjoying your trip to the west coast of the US. You inspired a dream I had about a Tommy Gun [see nightmare link above]! To my sis Holly, I've not heard from you in days. Yes I am aware I should sign into MySpace more often, the phone works both ways, etc; anyway I hope you are well. Becky, I got the invite, I plan on attending the shower. Brandy, I got the invite, I plan on attending the party. Mike C., your birthday is approaching, what would you like to do? Kelly G., your birthday is approaching, I have some gift ideas! Kelly P.-F., we need to get together sometime for tea, popcorn, and board games!

Phew, that was a lot...now, your words...
peep this: similar to "check this out".
anysexual: One whose sexual preference is not limited to man or woman or both. Targets include dinosaurs, rocks, fish, plankton, and balloons. To see an anysexual, please peep this!

I Feel Like Crap

I feel like crap today because I'm sick. Not pretend sick either, I've got the high fever, sore throat, achy body, pounding head, etc.

I shouldn't be at work, but I had to finish a few things up, so I came in today.

Good news is that on my way in, I ran into Amanda at Metrolink (or rather she stalked me to the Metrolink, which was lovely). Plus I'm leaving early anyway, so the day can't be all bad, right?

Thank you to those people that responded yesterday to tell me how they were doing! It's hard to keep up with people, so by you reading, and commenting, I got to see that everyone is surviving. Lots of ups and downs these days, the only thing we can do is keep our chins up! [Thanks to Becky J., Holly, Nicole, Mike P., Kelly, Amanda, Jen S.]

Since I'm not feeling well, I'm done writing for the day.

Word...
roll deep: Going somewhere with a large amount of people. Also "roll thick".
In Use: We rollin' twenty deep in da club.

My Itinerary

For those of you that choose to keep track of me, like Amanda, Holly, and Drew (for mom) . . . here is my itinerary for next week. (This is also my back up copy).

[For reference, STL-St. Louis, ATL-Atlanta, DUB-Dublin, LHR-London Heathrow, GLA-Glasgow, all US flights are Delta booked through Northwest]

DUBLIN
JULY 14 Flight DL1723 STL-ATL 15:15; arrive 17:57
JULY 14 Flight DL0176 ATL-DUB 20:55; arrive 10:00 (+ 1 day)
Hotel Jurys Inn Parnell Street (353 (0)1 878 4900) [In-15th, Out-16th]

LONDON
JULY 16 Flight BD124 DUB-LHR 11:40; arrive 13:00 (44 (0)13 3264 8181) [REF#32L4ZX, bmi]
Hotel Euston Square Hotel (44 (0)20 7388 0099) [In-16th, Out-18th]

GLASGOW
JULY 18 Flight BA1492 LHR-GLA 17:35; arrive 19:00 [REF#32FWHT, British Airways]
Hotel Victorian House Hotel (0141 332 0129) [In-18th, Out-20th]

DUBLIN
JULY 20 Flight AL225 GLA-DUB 10:55; arrive 11:50 [REF#25FJ2N, Aer Lingus]
Hotel Jurys Inn Parnell Street (353 (0)1 878 4900) [In-20th, Out-21st]

HOME
JULY 21 Flight DL0177 DUB-ATL 11:50; arrive 15:45
JULY 21 Flight DL0909 ATL-STL 17:35; arrive 18:20

Anyone wanting to drop me off and/or pick me up at the airport or a Metrolink station may volunteer! ha, like how I threw that in there!

Thank Your London Friend

If you go to my real blog site at stephysite.blogspot.com, you can now choose to "like" or "dislike" each post. Took me forever to get that on there. It should be as simple as adding it via the easy editor; but I always have to go and mess with the actual code which sort of voided that easy part. But alas, I got it there, so you should go "Like" or "Dislike" your favorite posts!

Other than that, I'm drawing a blank today. It could be that all of my enthusiasm has gone to the wayside today. I feel like a giant slug that just wants to go back to sleep.

I wanted to say thanks to Holly for asking her friend about London and for letting me borrow him should I need any help while there. I really appreciate the assistance! It's nice to know that there is someone on that side of the planet that'll help an insane stranger! So thanks Holly and Friend! (Holly, please do warn Friend that I am tilted a little to the left when it comes to sanity; I'd hate to scare him!)

A'ight, talk later maybe...

word-
hobeau: An unclean boyfriend.

Good Morning Heartache, You're Like An Old Friend

I find this whole blog thing funny. First of all, as I've always said, I write for me, not you. I sometimes find that I enjoy reading my own blog more than reading others'. I'm not being arrogant either; it's just that no one seems to have my sense of humor. So when I read my blogs, written pretty much how I actually talk, I find them very amusing, I enjoy what I have written, and really, we are truly the only one's that can make ourselves happy; we had better damn well try!

Second is that I tend to read/write blogs that are really just metablogs (metablog=blog about, or refering to, other blogs). I love it! I love knowing that there are enough literate people in the world who care enough to read and share. One disheartening thing about reading (books, blogs, anything really) is that I often find that I want to share everything I've read with someone in particular who tends not to care. The said "someone in particular" varies depending on what I'm reading, but the feeling is always the same. I share what I read with said humans and all I get is a look of "okay, I'm glad you enjoyed, can I carry on and forget we had this conversation". There is never a discussion, never an excited glimmer, never a "but ma, all my friends are jumping off the bridge, I wanna go too" moment. I want someone that actually cares for once to listen! So start caring "Mr. I'm Going to Ignore You"! I suppose I could also be saying "Mr. I Hope You Get Stuck In A Foreign Country" or even "Ms. Oh Cool, I Only Read Things That Come From Starbucks"! Ugh! [As a side note, for those of you that do seem to care, forgive me, for it is not you that I may speak of, and Holly, you should know I am talking about You!]

Anyway, on days like this when I fear I may have accidentally given myself a concussion before 8:00 am (long story, but I can't function, must get looked at); I find the best way to calm down is to take some deep breaths, minimize everything on my screen, and daydream of my dream job (sheep herding, stop laughing, I'm being serious damn you). My work desktop image is one taken from a friend Kelly (pic shown below). It's calming, it's also reassuring; then I recall that these fine animals will be eaten and it all strikes me back into reality. Reality, where I should be right now if I could only think . . .



Things to Share-
My boss Steven Crang in an HOK blog interview! Click here to see it!

Bella is better, after a visit to the vet, and many drugs, she's getting back to her spunky self!

Word-
oh, snap: Interjection conveying unpleasant surprise. Popularized by Tracy Morgan on the TV show Saturday Night Live.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I wrote here if you are signed up to read: My Private Blog. It's a blog I started that is about me and all the madness that happens in my head.

I read these books: Bloodsucking Fiends, A Love Story; Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible; Broken.

I read these blogs: kottke.org, Barbaric Gulp, Heavy Backpack, and my newest fave-I Did Not Know That Yesterday!

Things related to people: Bella learned to poo and jog at the same time; Riley was coaxed to poo by telling him "it's okay, everyone poops"; I missed my Cousin Betsy's party so to her I say "Congratulations!"; I love Tim Armstrong; hang in there Mike C. and Holly; Eva and I are talking about getting tattoos, nice idea, we'll see if it happens soon; I got Bernie's CD in the mail last week, it's great, check it out!

Other things I did: went to a food cooking demo class; bought a trifle bowl, new patches, and insulated bag; lounged, jogged, biked, rode roller coasters, played in a water park, and walked a lot; ate ice cream and cookies and ate too much food in general; got annoyed, got some sleep, had insomnia, got worn out; took some pictures; picked some berries; went to see Rancid (oh how I love Tim Armstrong). I'm sure there's more!

I'm happy to say that True Blood is back on HBO. I could just eat up that vampire Bill!

Words you missed:
trade junk: to have casual sex
remasculate: To grow one's balls back after they have been shrunken by an especially effeminate activity. The opposite of emasculate.
gradumacate: To successfully complete four years of edumacation with passing grades, capped off by attending gradumacation.
e-haircut: A change in a person's online identity. Also called an "i-haircut".
shark:To engage in overt attempts at procuring a partner of the opposite sex. You can accuse someone of sharking by putting your upright, straight hand up to and at right angles to your nose and forehead, and weaving your head from side to side as if you were a shark in the murky depths.
chesticles: Female breasts.
work hot: A person who may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her. [Ed. note: There is always someone to lust, isn't there?!]

Today's Word:
herm:A hermaphrodite.

Tides of Change

In the tides of change come great new things . . .

Economy got you down? Lose your job recently? Check out this networking website to see what other people are doing! Thanks to Janet for blogging it!

I wanted to say thanks to my sis Holly for actually blogging this past weekend. I am always asking people to blog, partly because I find it so relaxing when I write; partly because I enjoy reading blogs; and partly because I am just damn nosey! In any case, Holly blogged. So thanks! In fact, thanks to everyone that blogs so that I may read...Justin, Janet, Frank, The Carr's, Dan Z., Kelly. I don't even know these people, but I seem to know little insights to their personalities that make me happy to know them, but well, not know them! Moving on . . .

You may or may not know that last week I had two deadlines (and a short week). I won't discuss the details of either (one because I can't due to confidentiality agreements, and two because I'm so glad it's over I don't want to think about it); but I was so happy to see the following e-mail from my boss.



Here is another e-mail that I have saved, and so on days when I'm down, I read this to know everything will be okay if I make it through the day. (I covered this person's name since I didn't get approval to show it here).



It's these little things that really get me through each and every day. I swear by it. If we can't close our eyes at the end of the day feeling happy about something or someone, knowing we did what was right and best for us, then what do we have?

Small list of things that get me by (cont'd)-
Practicing obiedence traning with Bella and watching her learn these simple tasks such as sit, wait, and heel.
Knowing that Riley is a genius of a dog, and watching him teach Bella simple tasks.
Neighbors not recognizing me due to such hard paced efforts and health change.
Bike rides where the honeysuckle is the only thing I can smell.
Being sleeping, laying down, not thinking about sleeping, and simply dozing off into dreamland.

Likes/Dislikes-

Claiming that genetically altered monkey's research done for human health reasons (maybe is, maybe not), is this necessary? Where will it go? Super race? What happened to Darwin's "survival"? Too many questions for me to ponder, thus causing brain overload!

Last of Last Week's Comic Sharing-


Word(s)-
toy: A graffiti artist's term for a novice. More experienced artists will often write "toy" next to the tag or graf of the novice.

nerdrection: When a nerd experiences or anticipates a certain event that is expected to have a positive effect.

Shitty in General

Quickly bringing you up to speed:

Saturday Eva threw me a birthday party. We went bowling at Pin-Up Bowl. Then we went to her house for a bonfire. I got way too drunk to know what I was doing, but tried opening gifts. Opened an embarrassing box of sheep (thanks Rob and Brandy, it was cute, and very thoughtful), told people they could eff off (lol, it's like my new thing to do these days), dragged my brother into things he didn't want to be involved in (no wonder he doesn't really like me). I was crying because I'm old and I feel like an idiot and the anxiety I have these days is beyond overwhelming. I made myself throw up because the amount of alcohol I had in my system was too much for me to manage. Glad that is over with! I did get some really great gifts though.

Sunday morning, a knock on the door, I answer to see our neighbor Jim. He looks alarmed, proceeds to tell me that someone busted out my car window. I was so confused I just nodded and looked from him to the car several times. I dressed and looked. I lost all faith in humanity. I am angry and hateful. I slept all day Sunday since no one would help me become totally obliterated. Someone threw a fist sized rock so hard through my window that it bounced off the opposite side door panel and broke that as well. Still waiting to hear from the insurance company.

Among other things about last week, which was shitty in general (turned 30, heartbreak, I was annoyed by coworkers, had too much anxiety about the party, had jobs creep up on me causing lots of stress, wanted to cry most nights, did cry a few nights, told that our structures group is moving in the office thus loosing space, Ruben is officially out of our department, Andrew is now part time in our department) work was more stressful than I'd ever like it to be for me.

Finished reading You Suck by Christopher Moore, brilliant stuff.

Started reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. 33 pages in and I'm already crying and thinking of the people I should call to tell them that I love them, just in case I should die tomorrow, today even.

. . . to Kelly if you are reading this, we both know Mike wants to keep you, and I would venture to guess you know I think we should get to keep you too, but in all seriousness, you are awesome and I haven't seen Mike this alive in many years. So even if we can't keep you (which I think we should get to) thanks. It's good to see friends happy!

. . . to Becky, dude, I am sorry for laying on your boyfriend. He's like a teddy Bear and he was laying on the couch where I wanted to be . . . sorry dude. It won't happen again; and you were looking totally cute on Saturday, don't know if I told you that or not!

. . . to my sister who so awesomely gave me a link for T-Shirts that I've been wanting to get; 80stees.com . . . I'm thinking for sure a Ghostbuster's T-shirt.

So onto today:

Read Janet's blog, and saw these posters . . . done by graphic designer Stephan Massed-Bidal. He takes odd, and old images and then pairs them with a quote. Different, which is exactly what I was looking for this morning.

Words that I have not given you:

eco porn: A corporate advertisement that extols the company's environmental record or policies, usually by a company known to rape and pillage the environment as often as possible.

prevert: A softcore pervert. Someone who is in early stages of perversion.

effed in the a: A different way of saying, "Dude, we're screwed".

Clark Kent job: Your day job that pays the bills but is not what you really want to do.

Why Is This Wet?

Hoo-rah...hoo-rah; today is my birthday. 30 years ago around nine in the morning, I was born, dislocated hip and all! I wanted out real bad, eager to get this life going. I chose to come out before the doctor was ready to deliver and somehow managed to dislocate my hip! I would have to say that this particular action set me up for how I would manage the rest of my life; too eagerly and far too clumsy! Those of you who know me well enough are laughing. Maybe not laughing at me, but laughing at how true this all is!

Before I move on; I want to rewind back to last week. The hi-lite didn't occur until Friday evening, and frankly, it's well worth the rewind. Chris and I went to the Trowbridge's for movie night (featured presentation=Bolt (2008)). So let me cut to the chase, Grace, my 3 year old buddy was carrying around a pink flamingo doll. Christine, (a.k.a. mom) picked up pinky and felt that it was wet. "Grace, why is this pink flamingo wet?"; "because I -----". That last part so indistinguishable, we all leaned in further to hear; "what Grace, why is this wet?"; "because I peed on it"! It was beyond difficult to stifle the laughter and tears that were slipping out; a rather tense moment for a 3 year old turned my entire week into a great one!

So, fast forward to Sunday, Mother's Day; a decent day all in all. The one thing though, worth mentioning, is that some one thought I was young. Very young! I met Jen for a bike ride, and her step-mother (in-law?) was at the house. Jen introduced us and we chatted for a moment before Jen and I took off for the Katy trail. Later that day, Jen called to tell me that Step-Mom thought it was so nice of Jen to take the little neighborhood girl out for a bike ride. It wasn't until later that she noticed a car parked next to hers that she asked Steve (Jen's hubby) about it. Steve told her it was mine; her response was to ask Steve if I was old enough to drive! It was an extreme compliment! Here I am disdainfully celebrating 30, and she thought I was barely old enough to drive! In hindsight I wondered if it is because I acted immaturely . . . but I really don't care how I acted since I was polite and I enjoyed myself!

Other stuff to note: I broke my phone Friday, had to get a new one (which was going to happen this year anyway); purchased a new pair of eyeglasses (will get them in about a week); Chris planted a tomato and cucumber plant(s) in the backyard; I blogged on Friday for work; stole old photo albums from mom to scan photos for online (yes Holly, that does mean I will get you those promised photos of dad finally (albeit electronic)); last, but most unpleasant, I got bad news about my cousin Matt who had a stage two cancerous tumor in his brain (if you pray, please pray for him).

So, that leads me to here, today, my birthday (Dusty's as well). I hope your day is enjoyable.

Word of the today and the weekend-
moose knuckle: The male version of camel toe. Usually found on older rotund gentlemen wearing a suit.

pour one for my homies: To pour liquid (usually an alcoholic beverage) on the ground as a sign of reverence for friends or relatives who have passed away. In many cases, a 40-ounce bottle of liquor is used.

Buckle in Boys and Girls

I have lots to talk about today, so buckle in boys and girls!

Austin, Texas was okay. It would be like coming to St. Louis, but staying out in West County, or Collinsville, Illinois. There was little to do. Fortunately for me, Dr. Cross, my former college professor and advisor, took the same flight there and back, so I ended up having company. I doubt he will ever read this blog, but if he does, thanks again for the ride home, and just your company in general!

Coworker Rachel K., now Rachel P., got married this past weekend. So a great big congratulations to Rachel and Jeff!

Shane sent me some videos to watch, well that turned into me going through all sorts of old Raffi videos! Do you remember Raffi? I miss Raffi and haven't thought of him in years! He had the best songs, and looking back, they are still the best songs! (Also on this note Shane, that puppet thing you watched as a kid is creepy, and I remember number 1 of the code, find a safe place, and have managed to forget the rest . . . oops).

Eva got a new car, a Volvo. Yes it is true that while cruising around in the Volvo she and I appeared to be two young girls borrowing mommy's car; but damn it, that's what a midlife crisis is all about! A major plus is that it has curtain airbags along the entire interior of the car, so she and I do not have to wear helmets!

Tuesday, the next Sookie Stackhouse book comes out. This is going to be very exciting to read!

Kelly G. left another comment to my blog; I know she is reading. That is awesome, so thanks again (I really like you, I could see why some one is so overly joyed by your presence)! I know my sister, my brother Drew, and Becky randomly read, they either have told me in person or have left some comments. Thanks to you three as well. I believe Chris reads because he has said he does, and when I quiz him on it (which I am entitled to do) he knows bits and pieces. That's more than most people so a big thanks to him. I believe Amanda reads, she knows bits and pieces of stuff I have written as well, so if you are reading, a big thanks to you! Dr. Cross and I talked a bit about you, he's very happy with your progression at the Corps!

Jami bought a new semi-hollow body guitar. So, for my birthday, he gave me his old Epiphone guitar (great for learners). I am so excited, Eva took me to Guitar Center to buy some new strings, a tuner, and some books. I eyed up the acoustic guitars, because eventually, if I learn to play this guitar, I want an acoustic. Guitars are awesome. I think my love for them comes from Raffi!

Bernie King, awesome musician that he is, sent me a message (via MySpace) to say hello. Bernie, or as I know him, Crazy B., is Eva's coworker. I know she really enjoys her work and even more so, enjoys working with her business partners. I am very happy she gets to work with some one as crafty and talented as B!

Just a couple of reminders before I go: Mother's Day is Sunday. My birthday is in one week (the 11th). My party is the 16th. If you want to come and did not recieve an invitation, please e-mail me!

Words of the weekend and today-
NSFW: Acronym for "not safe for work". Used to describe Internet content not generally suitable for the typical workplace. Opposite of SFW, "suitable for work".

perma-sweater: Now shirt, no problem; because you're wearing a sweater of body hair all year-round!

Sleepy Thank You's

Yesterday was a fairly decent day. I was tired all day, not surprising since I'm not sleeping well. Yet again, I didn't sleep well, although last night wasn't about having a bad dream. My legs were agitated, leading me to confirm my belief that I have Restless Leg Syndrome. I lay down to sleep and my legs are just annoyed; so they ached, fidgeted, and kept me awake. My mind is all over the place too. I figure that eventually I will be so tired that I will just crash into the bed and sleep for 24 hours. I'm at least hoping for something like that! I really do want to sleep!

Tonight I have an eye appointment. I came into work early to leave early. I like doing this for a couple of reasons; 1) I get to save some PTO, 2) I get a lot more work done when it's this quiet around me! So I am sure you are wondering why I am blogging when I have other things I should be doing! It's a valid point, I should be working, but I AM multi-tasking. While I wait for my program to load, run an analysis, etc., I write. Thankfully I have Auto Draft Save! What appears to usually be a 15-30 minute written blog is usually over a course of a couple hours!

Anyway, so I have a few thanks and shout outs today.

I wanted to say thank you to Kelly G. for reading my blogs yesterday. Well, I don't know what, or even how many she read, but I know she at least read one blog, she left a comment. That counts, so thanks!

Thanks again to Kelly G., an accomplished English teacher, for choosing not to comment on my "run-on-sentence" style of writing!

I want to say thank you to Chris for shutting the window because the damned frogs that are breeding in the pool are loud jerks that are inconsiderate, and to think I feel compelled to save them! (Well, yea, I still feel compelled to create a loving eco-system for them in the back yard so they'll stay out of the damned pool)!

Thanks to Eva who made an awesome invitation for my birthday party...thanks for throwing me a party! Thanks for making such a cute invitation for my party! Thanks for letting me dress up in ultra-sweet 50's clothes and bowling shoes! Despite how I may act, I am looking forward to it! (If you didn't get an invite and want one, write me)!

A shout out to Sharline who is passing exams at a spectacular rate and doing well with her new job. I am very excited for you!

Thanks to Holly for responding to my blog. Glad to know you are getting through the paper stacks. Hang in there!

Thanks to Shane for playing some great tunes for me, I always appreciate it! I am very glad to see you are figuring out this blog thing even if you still have no idea what purpose it serves!

Thanks to Mike C. for ... wait, have you been nice to me at all this week? Just kidding doll! Thank you for checking out the HOK Life blog, and looking at my bio! I love writing, and getting to write for work is a lot of fun. Especially when they let me be me (read the bio)!

Thanks to Seth for saying that the short 1.6 mile bike ride from my house to the bus station is considered riding my bike to work; therefore allowing me to participate in National Bike Month!

Happy Birthday Clint!

So, for those of you reading, I hope you will at least leave a comment to let me know you read. It's nice to know who is out there and to know how you are doing! So Chris, Drew, Becky, Maureen, Eva, Sharline, Kelly G., Mike C., Holly, Skweak, Shane, Jason, Amanda, Sara, Dusty, Rancid... thanks for reading; be sure to comment or send me a message so I know what you are up to or at least let me know that you are okay! You should know by now that I am a worrier!

Word of the day-
no diggity: No doubt; for sure.

They Were Going to Take My Shoes

Wow, it's a quiet day. No special blogs to speak of, no people around to tell stories about, just quiet. This is surreal, am I dreaming? No probably not.

I recall a dream last night about having to go to a facility to take a class about handling radioactive material. Amanda had to go with me, but once we got through the doors, I lost her. Terry M. and Karen C. from HOK were there. We were in a building that kept shaking (imagine being inside a trailer while it's traveling at say, 65 miles per hour). I was really nauseated in this dream. They confiscated my cameras, my cell phone, all of my loose change in my purse, and even my barrettes. I was upset about them taking my belongings, but mostly upset because they ruined the film in one of my cameras, and they took my cell phone (and I was texting Mike and Shane). I woke up while I was in this shaking room just before they were going to take my shoes, I honestly did not want to fall back asleep for fear of continuing my dream so I just let myself doze in and out of rest for about 2 hours this morning. Therefore, I am still rather exhausted.

I suppose I will take this opportunity to ask what is going on these days with you? I haven't heard from Becky much at all on the Internets, I hope I didn't upset her about my comments on the photos. It was the last correspondence we've had. I know how Mike is doing, and well, I worry about him. I suppose more than I should, but I worry a lot about people some times. I haven't heard anything from Maureen, and from her few status updates, she appears to be wildly busy with brain work stuff. I saw Holly just recently and am wondering how close to being done she is with her stack of paper work. I've only vaguely corresponded with Drew, enough to know he is a ray of sunshine.

Okay, well that wraps up this morning. If you were looking for something interesting, check out this blog about art in dirty cars!

Word of the day-
badinkadink: A small, usually cute rear end on a female. As opposed to badonkadonk or badunkadunk, which is an extremely curvaceous female behind with moderately wide hips and a large amount of booty cleavage.

I Am Not Smelly!

My favorite smells-
First there is the smell of lavender; then there is the smell of fresh cut grass; lastly there is the smell of the bike trail on a fresh Spring day (no, not the smell of dead animal from winter whose rotting corpse is now thawed and smelling as such; but the smell of the fragrant flowers in bloom mixed with that fresh air smell). There are other smells that are wonderful such as the smell of some one familiar, puppy breath, Bella's ears, that spot on Riley right between his eyes, fresh lemonade, a limey gin and tonic, baked goods, my favorite perfumes, old books, new books, pizza, popcorn, etc. I'm sure we could all name dozens of smells we love or miss.

Why am I talking about smells? Well I smell really good today. I am not smelly! It's a combination between my hair, my body, and my perfume. I'm wearing Inis, one of my three favorite perfumes (pay close attention to that, my birthday is approaching (Ralph, Body, Inis)). I washed with lavender soap last night and I can occasionally catch a whiff of that literally soothes me to the bones. Then there is my hair. It's just the cheap shampoo that I buy, nothing fancy (recycled containers, not tested on animals), but it smells clean and wonderful when it brushes across my cheek.

But seriously, why am I talking about smells? I just didn't have anything else to talk about!

And that paragraph above about not having anything to talk about, it's a lie! You knew that, I almost always have something to say! I also should mention that I do not lie very well. I end up telling on myself (as I just did); or I look rather suspicious when I try to lie. So there you have it, I talk a lot and can rarely lie.

So about my weekend-

I posted a video in my blog at stephysite.blogspot.com. I post so many places, I don't know where else it might be. Probably YouTube (my user name is Stephysite), but I'm fairly certain that is set to private!

I went for two bike rides, one with Eva, and one alone. I've video'd both rides, but the content is shaky at best. The audio for the ride with Eva is classic! Deadly classic! I will post that when I get the chance.

I, ... I mean Chris, saved frogs from the pool, but they went right back in, so, ... eh, yea, so much for saving frogs.

I finished Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson. It was a very good book, I recommend it. Sweet love story.

I went to watch the Cards vs. Cubs game at the Trowbridge's house on Friday. I spent most of the time hanging out with my cool little friend Grace. We ate a lot of popcorn! We had some good conversations about her upcoming birthday party. Her birthday is May 23rd. She will be 4.

I went to a skating birthday party for my niece Grace, who just turned 5! Happy birthday Gracie! I hope she likes everything she got; it was a good party for her! Her actual birthday was April 23rd (Holly, correct me if I'm wrong).

I got a bird feeder for the back yard. I haven't seen any birds eating from it yet. I imagine they are scared off by the thought of Bella the Beast charging at them.

You should read Justin Z.'s blog. Funny stuff! Poor guy got a j-walking ticket. Obviously not enough crime in Toronto!

Side note-
A shout out to baby cousin Sara whose 21st birthday is today! Happy Birthday baby doll!!

----

Words of the weekend and today-

frenemy: Friends, yet enemies. Or an enemy disguised as a friend.

NIB: "New in Box", often used for selling EBay items. Refers to being brand new and never used.

I Wrote About YOU

I'm fairly certain that no one reads this. Sure, I might average about 8 views a blog, but that's just a view, not a read. And that's just MySpace, no one dare travel into the realm of my Blogosphere!

I can visualize how this happens: The reader (whom I will call You), opens up the blog, skims through to see the length. Short=read; long=skim through for Your name, a silly link, a picture/video, a punchline, or just the word of the day. It's okay, I'm a blog reader, I can relate! Sometimes there just isn't enough time in the day to read blogs, You have to be choosy! [Christine, Grace, Eva]

So with that said, I'm going to trick You into reading this by randomly placing images, videos, or Your name in this blog (click on links titled "You", maybe You show up?!). I find that what I have to say is meaningful to me, and I want it to be meaningful to You as well! [Papa Skweak, Becky, Skweak, Mike, Badger]

Have You ever met some one that is all wrapped up in something You don't understand or that perhaps You think is too radical? Maybe she's just too wrapped up in anything for You? Perhaps You are thinking this about me and my blogs? Or sheep? [Elvis, Kim, Emily, Amanda, Shane]

That's okay, it's understandable. We all go through life with this social understanding of things. Depending on the society in which we learned, these behaviours may vary widely.

Well now to my point.

Stop caring what other people might think. If You believe in something, stand up for it. Don't wait for some one else to stand up for it, that may never happen friend! [Jami]

I care about the waste that we as humans produce (as Americans, "land of plenty" mentality, we are huge wasters, for this I am ashamed of US). Tomorrow is Earth Day and I challenge You, I challenge EVERYONE to reduce waste. Try to not throw anything away. Try to reuse everything that can be reused. Try to buy products with less packaging. Try to recycle anything that can be recycled (and in fact try to have nothing that needs to be recycled). Try composting! Just TRY! Please! Trying makes up so much of what we should accomplish in this world. Trying is usually what we give up on. Please just try! [Drew]

I know You will do the right thing! [Holly]


Word of the day (thanks for scrolling here!):
porn storm: Surfing for porn and getting bombarded with pop-up windows.

The Gospel According to Biff

It's Monday. I can't say if I'm glad or sad about this. On one hand, it gets me back to my routine, on the other hand it gets me back to my routine! In either case, my hands are full of routine!

Anyway hi-lights from the weekend and road trip to Kansas City:

Boca di Boppi (actually Buca di Beppo, but Eva and I took it to extremes and had a whole conversation that no one else understood! In fact, I am sure we didn't understand either!)

Matt and Erika Herring have an adorable child (looks like a baby). It, I mean she, cries a lot. I have a soothing effect on the child for some reason. Eva has a similar effect. I believe this is for two reasons. The child loved our plump bosoms, and we sang Rancid to her. Who wouldn't love to be serenaded by Rancid?!?! Her name is Molly and she's a cool little thing. For the record, they are good parents.

There were weird rabbits located around the Plaza in KC. Don't ask me where the Plaza is, all I know is that it was south of our hotel. Anyway, weird rabbits all over. Giant human sized weird rabbits.

Eva and I bought boots. Larry's boots. Pretty sweet if you ask me!

Free hugs were being given out at the Plaza. Free hugs guy restored my faith in humanity, but as usual, that quickly flew right out the door. What happened? Oh nothing really, just a accumulation of annoyances. I have a very very tiny list of people that are allowed on my planet (free hugs guy is one of them). Sorry, but there isn't enough room on my awesome planet for people that make me mad or annoyed. (Holly & Drew, you are both good, you are family that I like, you get to stay so don't get paranoid).

I think I drank sour milk, still alive though.

My newest Madness album showed up in the mail!

The English Beat were awesome. Eva and I almost didn't even go. The local KC crap radio station was holding a Prom Theme for the show. Eva and I showed up in our cowboy boots, jeans, and regular tops. Everyone else (except for maybe 3 other people) were in prom gear. Tuxedos, dresses, gowns, etc. We did however go in and skanked our happy little hearts to soreness! An adorable boy standing next to us (in a stylish and dapper hat (drool)) skanked with us. The girl he was with was not too happy about this. Oh well, we had a great time!! Great, and I mean great show!

My blog crush Justin Z. made the Toronto Star (local paper). You should read the article and blog!

I, as usual, bought a new book to read even though I am reading two books (and a third for work) as I write! Looks good though. A book by Christopher Moore called A Dirty Job. Very few people could vie for favorite author in comparison to Douglas Adams, but Moore is one of them! He wrote a book called Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal that I really enjoyed. I'm excited to read Moore (yes, pun intended)!

Well, this is where I need to stop and move forward with my routine! So now, the words, you know what I'm talking about:

Friday - bardcore: A pornographic movie with a Shakespearean plot.
Weekend - C and E: People who show up at church only on Christmas and Easter.
Today - girlfriend button: The button on the controller of an Xbox, Playstation, or Wii you have to press to pause the game when your girlfriend wants to talk.

Pop-up Books

I woke up in a really good mood today. I laid down at about quarter to eight, and don't remember a thing until about the time my alarm was going off this morning. I was having a great dream so I just continued to smack the alarm for about an hour to keep him quiet so I could keep dreaming. I finally realized that I actually had to get out of bed at some point, but I'm glad I did.

I read a good blog today about books. One of those books was about pop-up porn! Now, I won't post that link because I feel that it is adult content, and I don't want any unnecessary eyes looking in, but if you want the link, e-mail me and I'll send it!

The subject of pop-up books made me recall a book I want. It is called the Pop-up Book of Phobias! Emily's roommate had this book, and I made a note that I wanted to get it, well gift it to a couple of people at least (can't say any names, it takes the surprise out). I'm glad I recalled this because it gave me the opportunity to get the link somewhere that I'll remember! You should check it out. It rocks!

What is awesome about having looked this book up is that I see the author also has a Pop-up Book of Nightmares! I wonder if he has a page for dead bodies, like most of my nightmares involve?

Well, I have to get some stuff done before Andrew comes in and finds me slacking! Ha, me slack, never! But before I go I want to thank Drew and Holly for agreeing on the meaning of "you were so cool you could have put out Vietnam". Thanks to Eva for catching the phrase's song which was in no way part of the challenge. Thanks to Janet for her blogs, they rock!

Word of the day:
Alabama chrome: Duct tape.

In Use: Dude, you need to fix your car; some Alabama chrome will fix you up right.

Funerals Suck and Justin Rocks!

So today is a new day, but you know that already.

Today is Amanda's father's funeral. It makes me miss my dad. I still plan on going to lay on top of his grave and just crying for about an hour. You'd have no idea how much you'll miss some one until they are no longer around to hold you when you just need to be held. I could talk hours about my own dad; I have a lot to say about him. He was a good person, some of the time, and a bad person a lot of the time. It's what one might expect with an abusive alcoholic father. I wrongfully wished him gone for a long time. I had always assumed that his drinking and desire to be "outta his mind" were due to the fact he was unhappy with his life, unhappy with his family. He degraded me often, so I had also therefore assumed, he didn't want me around. I knew his alcoholism was a disease, something he couldn't quit. It took me a really long time to know there was a difference though. The sober guy that was my daddy was the coolest man on the face of the planet. He was funny, smart, and loved music. We would rock out all the time together. We listened to everything! When I was small and we would be travelling by car, he carried me up the apartment stairs when I fell asleep from the ride. When I was upset, he'd let me curl up in a ball in his lap and he would just hold me. Those are the things I really miss. But what I guess I'm really getting around to talking about is the funeral, not really my dad.

So this funeral, will be a Catholic service at some little church in the middle of Nowhere, Illinois. Last night was the visitation. I really loathe that part. People go and look at a dead body to see what the person, if they were still alive, might look like. I have an aversion to dead bodies for one. Secondly, I don't want to remember or see what some one would have looked like alive if they weren't dead. I want to remember the good things. When I think of dad, I think of the dead version of him, in the casket so that when you looked just right, he was smiling! So when I go to these things, I try only to glance when I have to, and spend more time ignoring than anything else.

But I've gone on long enough about some of my idiosyncrasies; it's time to move on to some one else's! That someone would be Justin, my favorite blogger [said with a dreamy smile and twinkle in my eye]! He didn't mention me this time, but a coworker that I don't know. In this story, Justin goes by a supposed character name of Mitch, of which I highly approve! His blogs are always thoroughly entertaining with little hints of sarcasm and misanthropy. I feel that while I don't know him at all, and have a slight aversion to his desire to be an architect, I feel he is a kindred spirit! He is after all my blog crush! I treat him as though he were Douglas Adams, an untouchable writer! But instead he is Justin Mitch Z! Ahhhhhh!

So I want to thank Holly for taking the time to blog, you go! No one has to write excellent to blog, you just need to do it! And if you are lucky, you might get one very interesting freak named Steph to fall in love with you!

I want to thank Eva for taking time yesterday to sit down to dinner with me and let me vent and whine pretty much the whole time. I don't share a rank, which is good to know!

Thanks people for reading, you don't have to; so I hope this is at least entertaining with a mix of odd humor, distaste for mankind, and a draw of strong depressive mood swings!

Onward with the word of the day:

ACB: Short for "air-conditioner booty". A woman whose buttocks, when viewed from the side, resemble a wall-unit air conditioner protruding from a house.

In use: Jodie's ACB was knocking people's drinks off the table last night!