Rest In Peace Grandpa

Today, a great man passed on.  He was my father's father, but the man who walked me down the aisle at my wedding as my own father should have, had he been alive.  My grandpa meant so much more to me than words can express.  I will eternally miss my grandpa, he was the only one I had.  I will remember him as the kindest man I ever knew.

He was the namesake of my father and brother, and now, the last of the Johns is gone.

This, on the day I lost my dog Riley, just 2 years ago.  Well, May 18, you take the greatest on this day, so thank you for peacefully taking my grandpa.  As was his belief, may he be reunited with his loved ones, but mostly his beloved wife, Eva.  May it be the glorious reunion he anticipated.

My grandpa suffered for a year from what we would later learn was cancer.  The fight is over, he won on his own terms. Rest In Peace, Grandpa.

I Hate Change

I've said it, what seems like, a million times.  I do not handle change well.  This past year has really tested me and while I can at least say I'm coming out alive and essentially unscathed (thank my lucky stars)...mentally I am a basket case.

Let's go back to March of 2014.  That isn't when the major changes happened but that's when they started creeping into my life.

March 2014 - I moved from the downtown office location of my then employer to a satellite office.  The new office wasn't bad but it was a change no less.  I liked the people there, I liked the new office, I even managed to handle the longer commute.  In no time I felt adjusted.  I think it might have helped that I had a new friend among coworkers and it smoothed things out for me.

July 2014 - We decide to enroll Lil Bit in preschool.  I have a hard time with this for two reasons...I feel weird about taking her from my sister, who had watched her since I returned to work when she was 3 months old.  I also feel weird because she's growing up and I'm not ready for this.  I'm not ready for the change in life, the change in schedule, the change in her innocence...etc.  You understand if you've ever been there.  It's the last time you'll enroll your baby in preschool...she's no longer a baby, she's a freaking PRESCHOOLER.  It's rough but I think I can do it.

August 2014 - Lil Bit's first day of school; there are festivities the entire week before, events, meetings with the new teacher, school supply shopping, much ado about preschool.  I cried like a baby when I dropped her off and had to turn around and walk away.  Heartbreaking.  I guess the nice thing in terms of change is that it wasn't necessarily a huge change in my schedule as my husband generally took Lil Bit 2 days a week to his parents in the morning and they took her and picked her up from school.  It was significant that she was not at my sister's for 5 days of the week.  But, there was a plus, let me tell you, I have waited ages to take my child (I thought about this even when I did not have a child) school supply shopping.  It, in some ways, got me through this week.

September 2014 - My sister informs me that she's moving to a different state.  I hold it together long enough to leave her house before I sob the entire way home.  She was there for me always...literally, physically there for me.  She consoled me, amused me, cared for my child, and in general was just there for me.  I panic for a bit but then go into "get things done" mode.  I make provisions for my daughter's child care which now means that she's going to Child Care 3 days a week and to the grandparents/school two days a week.  It is a significant change to my schedule but also a significant change in my venting sessions.  If not for my new coworker/friend...it could have gone bad...but I managed through it.  I struggled, felt depressed, came to terms, worked through it, and came out unscathed having finally gotten into a comfortable but revised schedule and routine by the end of October.  I am happy for my sister and her family...it has seemed to work out well for all.

December 2014 - I am laid off from my then employer.  I'm hit hard by this....come home to sob into Riley who sat there staring at me like I was nuts, after all, it was just a job.  This whole ordeal severely depresses me and I keep myself busy with sewing projects and Christmas events and volunteering at Lil Bit's school.  I didn't even read during this time.  Also, December depresses me in general because it's the end of the holiday season when things get packed up and festive decorations come down and we begin the Holiday Doldrums until May.  I really suffer silently through this.  I am fortunate to have found a new (and better in so many ways) job within one week of my lay-off.  I get a month off, essentially paid for, during the holidays to spend with my family, and to do things for my child's school.  In hindsight I see this and think of nothing depressing at all.  Just a lot of change.

January 2015 - I start my new job.  I also start teaching a class two evenings a week at SIUE.  Lil Bit starts taking a dance class.  It's a major adjustment to routine and schedule.  We struggle through but are settled by the end of February.

April 2015 - I decide to start taking care of myself again.  I exercise, I eat well, I take great vitamins (that I even promote to people (Advocare if you are wondering)).  I'm doing well...I feel the best I've felt in a long time.

May 2015 - The most devastating month ever.  Everything feels like it ends in May.  I finished the book series I had been reading since September 2014.  Change to a new book I suppose.  Final exams for my class end the first week in May and while I'm happy for it to be over, it's a change.  Lil Bit's first year of preschool comes to end.  I miss her teacher already.  Again, change.  Dance class comes to an end (the recital was today and Lil Bit doesn't think she wants to dance again...I kind of miss it).  Change.  Despite all this change and adjustment to schedules (even with the beginning of camping season and the opening of the pool, and just things in general) the one thing that is killing me over and over is the loss of Riley.  I miss him and I say it's heartbreaking and sometimes I wonder if that's going to be literal for me because the panic attacks I get thinking of him hurt my heart, and my lungs, and every single part of me as I gasp for breath.  I feel silly acting this way.  He was after all a dog...we expect the loss of them over our lifetime...it wasn't entirely a surprise, though far too soon.  I can't help but break each day as I see something that makes me think of my friend.  It's been the hardest change so far.

I feel ridiculous not being able to handle change.  Ridiculous.  It could be so much worse...trust me, I play the scenarios in my head often.  I'd talk them out but in some ways I've lost some of my best consolation between Riley, my sister, and my coworker/friend.  They listened when they didn't need to and still at least 2 of them do...just not face to face, it makes things a bit harder.  And, looking back to the past, I realize I do get over it; but right now, I just feel.....ridiculous, lousy, panicky, and lost just to name a few.  I hate this feeling.  I just go everyday for as long as I can and when the feeling overwhelms me, and it does, I just let it wash over me so I can get back up and move on out of the sludge as best as possible.  And hopefully, in a few months, when a million more changes have come at me...maybe I can look back to now and say, "If I made it through that, I will make it again"...and if not, I guess I should go school supply shopping?

In any case, it feels good to have gotten this off my chest.  Thanks world for listening.  My heart goes out to a few of my friends suffering through their own things.  One friend T. lost his long time girlfriend to a peculiar medical incident which leaves him and her entire family mourning the loss of a very special young woman.  My friend K. is losing her dad and while I wish there was something I could say to her to ease the pain...I can only just sit here and be ready to hug her when she needs it.  Lousy feeling indeed.  My friend C. lost a niece tragically in a car accident this week and her sister is struggling to stay alive...I've been thinking of them often.  And to a woman I only know professionally, I hope to never know your pain of losing a child.  Her son died this week, age 27, while exercising.  He was in generally good health.   Life is so fragile, I try to remember that this crappy feeling of mine could be trumped with real sadness of fear in the blink of an eye.  Hug those you love, tell them you care....never let a crappy mood get you so down you miss the good things.

RIP Dear Riley

I'm extremely, extremely, extremely, heartbroken today at the loss of Riley, my pal and provider of solace.  Ri was an amazing dog (perfect really), a loving friend, and all around great and gentle creature; there are too many wonderful and funny things to say about him but I want to be selfish and keep them all to myself for now.  I want to hang onto the few sacred things that made him mine.  I also don't think I can get the words out...spoken or written.  He's everywhere with me...from my mouse pad, to my computer desktop screen, and the fur clinging to my clothes...and while he isn't here now to give me comfort which he did so well I hope these remnants of him (which are painful at the moment) continue to remind me how lucky I was to have had him in my life and warm my heart.

The whole family as well as our now lonesome bulldog Bella, miss him greatly and life will certainly be different without him.  It will be hard to walk into the house today and not see that beautiful friend.  Rest in peace Bubby.  My heart aches without you.

I Voted

Today was productive. I got an ample amount of work done in the office, I had a smooth doctor's visit, and I got to eat Mexican at the newly reopened Carrisillos Mexican!

To top it all off, I voted.

I purchased Chris' birthday gift, got Eva's baby shower gift in the mail, am now blogging while resting with the babies (who are snorting loudly) in bed (I also snuck in a bowl of ice cream).

Lazy Bums

I'm supposed to be on modified bed rest, but I think the rest of the family thought THEY were supposed to be resting...

A Good Vacuum

This past weekend when hanging out in the nursery putting together the dresser from Chris' parents, we noted the filthy appearance of the carpeting. We had cleaned the floor several times, so why so nasty?

Well, for starters, I blame my furry children Riley and Bella. We have a dusty, furry, and pet dander filled house. Our second culprit was not having a good vacuum for these things. We had a vacuum. It was given to us by Rachel M. and it served us all right for some time (since she returned to C-ville to sell her condo). It, like most vacuums was one of those semi-durable guys that lasts for several years and dies off slowly (as in, not a lifer like a Kirby). The problem is that our house gets DIRTY, so this vacuum that would have served some families for years wasn't up to the Spann challenge.

So, we went to Lowe's to look as some vacuums and ultimately we spent more than we should have on a quality (or what appears to be quality so far) Electrolux vacuum. It is the first vacuum I think I have ever bought. I've either borrowed a vacuum or had a hand me down. I feel like a real adult now!




Thus far I can say that it is AMAZING. Even though the nursery floor had been vacuumed and cleaned several times, this thing was full of dust and fur within one pass over the floor. The real test was to vacuum the living room rug, which turned out to fill the vacuum up TWICE!

So, I spent parts of my weekend vacuuming in between shopping with my mom, going to Eckert's, making apple pies, working from home, and finishing Eva's baby shower invitations. It was a productive weekend and I'm thinking now about all the other things I can vacuum!

Farewell Pat

Often times I would look out the back door into the yard and see Riley standing at the fence. His giant head peering over letting out one bark after another. Knowing Riley the way I do, I always knew these as "hey, pay attention to me, I want you to pet me" barks. They were the same barks he gave to neighbor Terry (aka The Vegetarian).

These past few years though, Riley has split his neighborly barking among a few neighbors. One neighbor even gets Bella hopping around and eager to paw or bark for attention (as opposed to merely biting Riley's ankles). I had always thought that it was the neighbor dog Buddy, that runs along the fence with Bella that got her all wound, but it wasn't; it was that dog's owner, Pat that got them both so excited.

So it goes that I'd hear barking outside, I'd look, and there my two beloved children would be, barking at the fence. I'd see Pat wave finally, I'd send a wave back and go about my business while I watched him and his dog, along with my dogs hanging out at the fence. It was a little while later I learned that he made special trips to the fence with treats for my dogs.

Pat was a really great man who had a kind heart. It was Pat that knocked at my door to notify me that someone threw a rock through my car window. I saw Pat at least twice a day if not at my fence, always taking his dog Buddy for a walk.

I'm very heartbroken and sad about the death of a man I hardly knew. Perhaps I'm sad for my dogs who will never understand why their pal will never again be over for treat time at the fence. Perhaps I'm sad for Buddy who is now without his faithful master. Perhaps I'm sad for the entire neighborhood, as we've lost a really great person and neighbor.

Anyway it goes, I'm sad. January 25, 2010 -- Rest in Peace Pat, you were a great person.

NaBloPoMo Day 29 Post 29 - Playing With Balls

I like to decorate balls. You know, the kind that are glass and hang on Christmas trees! @ironstef came over and we glued, painted, and laughed about some balls. [What else do you think girls do when we get together??]



Here are some of my creations:





And here are my favorites modeled after my babies Riley and Bella...




@ironstef will have to comment here and leave a link or some photos of her finished ornaments!!

Finally, The Results Are In...

Well, it's been a while since I've written, and you can all blame work for that! I've been working 12/13 hour days most days for about a month now. I've also got a lot of personal stuff going on too. I've been wanting to get around to writing some more, but just can't seem to find time. Since we hit a deadline yesterday, I'm making time to post! Here we go...

So much for polls, they only tell me what I already know!

First the results of the brownie poll. My question was, "what is the best part of the brownie", and your choices where, "corner", "middle", or "edge".
....and the winner is....

Corner

I already knew that though!

The second of polls had to do with a dog contest I was participating in and did not win. I had asked you all to help me choose a photo to submit, your choices were the following:




As you may be aware, there was a tie between Bella as a puppy and Riley with a corncob. The whole point of this poll was to help me decide but instead the poll only narrowed my options down to the two photos I had already really decided on...oh well!

The picture I chose to submit was Riley with the corncob. As I mentioned, we didn't win, *sigh*! Thanks for participating though, that was great fun, wasn't it?!

If you read my last blog, about cat pee, you might be interested to know that I've received a nickname based upon that very true and sad story! Bernie has dubbed me "la reyenita de la gata orina" which translates to "Little Queen of Cat Pee"!

Ahead now with words...and speaking of words, I heard one today that gave me a chill along my spine! Parlance...now most of us have heard the word parley...and so parlance is just a variation on that word (which means vernacular; vernacular is the term I more commonly use in lieu of parlance). Parley comes from parle which I believe is the sourced from parable (you know, the stories told to teach us stuff, like "don't cry wolf"). I of course heard the word on Twitter [where else do I socialize?] from @ibificus: "I think it's what would be called, in modern parlance, an epic fail. http://tr.im/B61y The laughing cop makes it". Did you get a chilly spine?

Okay, off to the urban words yo (I owe you many):
microvisit: The real-world equivalent of microblogging. Stopping by to talk to someone for 140 seconds or less. [Here's a funny video about this...from @That1EBD]
renob: "Boner" spelled backwards; a less derogatory way to coll someone a boner.
less than three: The literal form of <3; which is in turn supposed to represent a sideways heart (love). [I've wondered if "<3" is love; is "< B" broken hearted?? But after entering that in, I realize the compy only sees it as bold text, oh well]
lickle: To tickle by licking.
phishing: Tricking people so you can steal their personal information. Usually done over the Internet.
askusation: A question and an accusation.

A Pros and Cons List

I may not be the smartest girl, I may not always make the right choices, but I do have some principles I try to live by; for example, these days I try to avoid negatively impacting anyone's life. Now there will certainly be times that this cannot be helped. If you hit me, I will hit back; SHWAP, negative impact. If you insult me, I will sharpen my pencil and jab you back; SHWAP, negative impact. If you make me design a nasty and huge cantilever, I will get cranky; SCHWAP, negative impact.

So, now, when it comes to having children, I have to make a pros and cons list. You might think that you know me, and as such, you would believe that I'd be decent with kids. You might suspect that I would encourage them to do well in anything they desire, I could be an inspiration, I could harbor intelligent beings...I will not deny those possibilities. But, if we are going to consider possibilities, there are some others that must be thought of, as I would not want to have a bad impact on children especially. Here is part of my list...

One Hand	The Other
a.k.a. the pros	a.k.a. the cons
Having seen the humans that have reproduced, I feel compelled to provide at least one decent human being for the future. This is not arrogance, it is the reality of things	Having seen the quantity of human beings on this planet, we need no more, I have strict moral/ethic beliefs in any couple having 2 kids, one to replace each adult...seems no one follows my logic
	I think my patience would run low very quickly
	I can suffer from severe depression, I worry one day it will go too far, my children would be motherless; what if it were one of my children that found me??; what if my children thought I didn't love them; what if they thought I was weak??
I think I would be good with kids	If my depression is hereditary, I do not want to pass it along. I never, and mean fucking never want someone to suffer from this. It hurts in ways I can't explain.
Apple picking would be more fun that it already is!	Postpartum Depression...could kill myself, the child, or both.
	Screaming kids make me want to smack them, and people can't just go around smacking their kids these days!

Seems I'm stuck. People think I am a terrible person. I don't like to judge anyone else, but it seems they like to judge me. They think I'm immoral and unjust. They think my logic is flawed. They think I'm a monster. It's sad that when I speak out on my truths, I'm judged for them, thus pushing me back into my corner to hide. It makes me realize that I can't speak out. It makes my heart break, more than it's already bruised and tattered. But I guess on the good side, there is at least one person in this world that takes the consideration of children serious! Also on the good side, the dogs don't need to stress about being replaced too soon!!

Your Mask Gave Me A Nightmare!

Today's foot wear of choice...

Yippee Kay Ya

So last night I had a dream that involved three things. Riley in an aquarium, me shooting a Tommy gun, and masks. I don't know if these were separate dreams or one congealed blob of blur that had me waking in a sweaty panic, but this is how it goes...

I'm at some type of public aquarium, were turtles and schools of fish are on display. There is a pool with a hip height railing around it so that viewers may stand and look down into the clear open water. The far wall was a giant glass tank with much larger creatures, one of which was a squid. For some reason I had Riley with me. While I was preoccupied with trying to keep a turtle from eating my bare toes [why was I without shoes?], Riley jumped into the water, started swimming around and ducking his head into the water trying to eat the schools of fish! Once I was able to get him out of the water, we went to dry off and that is when I learned we both had the flu. Yep, that's right, me and Riley had the flu!

While Riley and I are "quarantined" in an old abandoned office space [that just happened to have old drafting tables set up in a classroom type setting], I found an old Tommy gun inside a desk. Having always wanted to fire one to hear the onomatopoeic "tat-tat-tat", I recovered it from its hiding spot, loaded her up, and took aim at a wall opposite me. I shot right through the wall and freed myself and Riley from our "prison". The movements in this segment were exaggerated and larger than life, much like films portraying the Prohibition era [imagine Bonnie and Clyde hanging out an old Ford V-8 firing away behind them in an erratic chase]!

At this point it gets sketchy. I don't know if I was in the Australian outback where I presume my subconscious led me or if I was just in an arid and dusty plains somewhere in the middle of the US. In any case I was now alone. In fact it seemed to me as if having Riley with me was a dream [a dream within a dream?].

I skulked along peering around boulders and patches of tall grasses having the feeling of being chased by something. I knew I had to get out of this location but I didn't know where to go. After what seemed like countless hours I peered around a boulder to see a man wearing a mask. It was in fact THIS MASK [thanks to @FrankieP, it is in fact him in that creepy mask]. The entire time this was happening, I felt as if I carried knowledge of something very secretive. The masked person was after me. I only got as close as 50 feet before I startled myself upright in bed with a sheeny dew of perspiration to sheathe my face and neck.

I've told you before, and I will tell you again, I have mask and painted-face-aphobia! Does it to me every time!

I have reasons why I think I dreamed all of this, and perhaps later I can elaborate, but for now, work beckons [in its bastardy whiny voice]!

Word...
pancake:

1. To end a relationship suddenly.
2. To get dumped by someone and remain clueless to the reason.

First 5k!

I ran my first 5k today. I am really proud of myself because I only ended up walking at most an 1/8th of a mile (5k is about 3.15 miles). What is more impressive is that I ran it with Riley and Bella. Riley (who actually ran with Amanda) would pull this off without a doubt, he's agile! But Bella with her short nose and legs, I wasn't too sure. When we run our normal 2 miles, she's pulling me back and randomly sitting when she feels like, MID run! I am so proud of her!

We ran it in 37m42s. I know it doesn't SOUND impressive, but for me, it is! I run a 15 minute mile, which is slow. So I totally rocked this time!

Now, off to devour leftovers. NOM NOM NOM!

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I wrote here if you are signed up to read: My Private Blog. It's a blog I started that is about me and all the madness that happens in my head.

I read these books: Bloodsucking Fiends, A Love Story; Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible; Broken.

I read these blogs: kottke.org, Barbaric Gulp, Heavy Backpack, and my newest fave-I Did Not Know That Yesterday!

Things related to people: Bella learned to poo and jog at the same time; Riley was coaxed to poo by telling him "it's okay, everyone poops"; I missed my Cousin Betsy's party so to her I say "Congratulations!"; I love Tim Armstrong; hang in there Mike C. and Holly; Eva and I are talking about getting tattoos, nice idea, we'll see if it happens soon; I got Bernie's CD in the mail last week, it's great, check it out!

Other things I did: went to a food cooking demo class; bought a trifle bowl, new patches, and insulated bag; lounged, jogged, biked, rode roller coasters, played in a water park, and walked a lot; ate ice cream and cookies and ate too much food in general; got annoyed, got some sleep, had insomnia, got worn out; took some pictures; picked some berries; went to see Rancid (oh how I love Tim Armstrong). I'm sure there's more!

I'm happy to say that True Blood is back on HBO. I could just eat up that vampire Bill!

Words you missed:
trade junk: to have casual sex
remasculate: To grow one's balls back after they have been shrunken by an especially effeminate activity. The opposite of emasculate.
gradumacate: To successfully complete four years of edumacation with passing grades, capped off by attending gradumacation.
e-haircut: A change in a person's online identity. Also called an "i-haircut".
shark:To engage in overt attempts at procuring a partner of the opposite sex. You can accuse someone of sharking by putting your upright, straight hand up to and at right angles to your nose and forehead, and weaving your head from side to side as if you were a shark in the murky depths.
chesticles: Female breasts.
work hot: A person who may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her. [Ed. note: There is always someone to lust, isn't there?!]

Today's Word:
herm:A hermaphrodite.

Tides of Change

In the tides of change come great new things . . .

Economy got you down? Lose your job recently? Check out this networking website to see what other people are doing! Thanks to Janet for blogging it!

I wanted to say thanks to my sis Holly for actually blogging this past weekend. I am always asking people to blog, partly because I find it so relaxing when I write; partly because I enjoy reading blogs; and partly because I am just damn nosey! In any case, Holly blogged. So thanks! In fact, thanks to everyone that blogs so that I may read...Justin, Janet, Frank, The Carr's, Dan Z., Kelly. I don't even know these people, but I seem to know little insights to their personalities that make me happy to know them, but well, not know them! Moving on . . .

You may or may not know that last week I had two deadlines (and a short week). I won't discuss the details of either (one because I can't due to confidentiality agreements, and two because I'm so glad it's over I don't want to think about it); but I was so happy to see the following e-mail from my boss.



Here is another e-mail that I have saved, and so on days when I'm down, I read this to know everything will be okay if I make it through the day. (I covered this person's name since I didn't get approval to show it here).



It's these little things that really get me through each and every day. I swear by it. If we can't close our eyes at the end of the day feeling happy about something or someone, knowing we did what was right and best for us, then what do we have?

Small list of things that get me by (cont'd)-
Practicing obiedence traning with Bella and watching her learn these simple tasks such as sit, wait, and heel.
Knowing that Riley is a genius of a dog, and watching him teach Bella simple tasks.
Neighbors not recognizing me due to such hard paced efforts and health change.
Bike rides where the honeysuckle is the only thing I can smell.
Being sleeping, laying down, not thinking about sleeping, and simply dozing off into dreamland.

Likes/Dislikes-

Claiming that genetically altered monkey's research done for human health reasons (maybe is, maybe not), is this necessary? Where will it go? Super race? What happened to Darwin's "survival"? Too many questions for me to ponder, thus causing brain overload!

Last of Last Week's Comic Sharing-


Word(s)-
toy: A graffiti artist's term for a novice. More experienced artists will often write "toy" next to the tag or graf of the novice.

nerdrection: When a nerd experiences or anticipates a certain event that is expected to have a positive effect.

Lightboxes in My Blog

I'm attempting to do something different with my blog today using "lightboxes". I will guess that this won't work in MySpace or Facebook, but then again, I never know until I try! So here it goes! Click on the links to websites and they will take you to new pages. Same as always. Click on the links to pictures and a "lightbox" will pop up with the image. So instead of taking you to a new page, it just pops up over this blog. Click on the image to make it go away! Now, the blog -

I'm exhausted! I've been having these extremely vivid dreams lately. Last night's was about work, people sitting in different locations (Steven Crang over by Advanced Strategies, Andrew Schwabe over by us, Mike Plotnick by IT), office furniture was being rearranged throughout. It was so vivid that I've had to stop and think a few times if some of it was real. For instance, my pink cup that I use daily, I had thought it was in my "locker", but it wasn't, it was in my overhead cabinet. I understand my confusion because in my dream last night, I cleaned my locker so that I could put my cups in there! But, now here at work, I see that my locker is not cleaned out, at all. It's rather messy.

I also woke up several times in the night. 1 A.M., 3 A.M., 5 A.M.; each time thinking to myself (or maybe I talked out loud too?) "I get to sleep more, thank God I get to sleep more". At around 5 A.M. Riley was crying. I had thought it was because he wanted outside badly and I was so tired I couldn't understand that there was an awful noise that sounded like animals being killed. I never heard it, but Chris said it was loud and caused Riley to have a fit! That all seems so unreal that I am wondering if I dreamed it as well!

At any rate, I'm still exhausted. I am ready to fall asleep at any given moment!

Thanks to Dynamic Drive for useage of the lightbox scripts!

Word of the day-
key: Just perfect. Describes something that would make you a whole lot happier.
In Use: A hug from mom would be key right now!

I Am Not Smelly!

My favorite smells-
First there is the smell of lavender; then there is the smell of fresh cut grass; lastly there is the smell of the bike trail on a fresh Spring day (no, not the smell of dead animal from winter whose rotting corpse is now thawed and smelling as such; but the smell of the fragrant flowers in bloom mixed with that fresh air smell). There are other smells that are wonderful such as the smell of some one familiar, puppy breath, Bella's ears, that spot on Riley right between his eyes, fresh lemonade, a limey gin and tonic, baked goods, my favorite perfumes, old books, new books, pizza, popcorn, etc. I'm sure we could all name dozens of smells we love or miss.

Why am I talking about smells? Well I smell really good today. I am not smelly! It's a combination between my hair, my body, and my perfume. I'm wearing Inis, one of my three favorite perfumes (pay close attention to that, my birthday is approaching (Ralph, Body, Inis)). I washed with lavender soap last night and I can occasionally catch a whiff of that literally soothes me to the bones. Then there is my hair. It's just the cheap shampoo that I buy, nothing fancy (recycled containers, not tested on animals), but it smells clean and wonderful when it brushes across my cheek.

But seriously, why am I talking about smells? I just didn't have anything else to talk about!

And that paragraph above about not having anything to talk about, it's a lie! You knew that, I almost always have something to say! I also should mention that I do not lie very well. I end up telling on myself (as I just did); or I look rather suspicious when I try to lie. So there you have it, I talk a lot and can rarely lie.

So about my weekend-

I posted a video in my blog at stephysite.blogspot.com. I post so many places, I don't know where else it might be. Probably YouTube (my user name is Stephysite), but I'm fairly certain that is set to private!

I went for two bike rides, one with Eva, and one alone. I've video'd both rides, but the content is shaky at best. The audio for the ride with Eva is classic! Deadly classic! I will post that when I get the chance.

I, ... I mean Chris, saved frogs from the pool, but they went right back in, so, ... eh, yea, so much for saving frogs.

I finished Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson. It was a very good book, I recommend it. Sweet love story.

I went to watch the Cards vs. Cubs game at the Trowbridge's house on Friday. I spent most of the time hanging out with my cool little friend Grace. We ate a lot of popcorn! We had some good conversations about her upcoming birthday party. Her birthday is May 23rd. She will be 4.

I went to a skating birthday party for my niece Grace, who just turned 5! Happy birthday Gracie! I hope she likes everything she got; it was a good party for her! Her actual birthday was April 23rd (Holly, correct me if I'm wrong).

I got a bird feeder for the back yard. I haven't seen any birds eating from it yet. I imagine they are scared off by the thought of Bella the Beast charging at them.

You should read Justin Z.'s blog. Funny stuff! Poor guy got a j-walking ticket. Obviously not enough crime in Toronto!

Side note-
A shout out to baby cousin Sara whose 21st birthday is today! Happy Birthday baby doll!!

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Words of the weekend and today-

frenemy: Friends, yet enemies. Or an enemy disguised as a friend.

NIB: "New in Box", often used for selling EBay items. Refers to being brand new and never used.

Blog Bio

So I was hoping to have slept through this week, and so far it hasn't happened. It's been an overwhelming work week. I have a wake to go to tonight, and a funeral tomorrow, and I was a guest lecturer yesterday. I'll be working parts of this weekend as well. Eva hasn't been talking to me much, I do realize the phone works both ways, but it just seems odd. Amanda hasn't said much to me this week, but she's got lots on her mind. Holly let me cry on her virtual shoulder this week, which was much needed, so thanks Hal! Shane basically called me a freak, which on one hand is true, but on the other hand still hurt my feelings. I have Chris convinced I'm trying to get rid of him which is NOT the case; I'm just imposing my rather utilitarian and fair opinions on him giving him every opportunity to get rid of me before he finally hates me more than he does! I've managed to get my whole life into some twisted knot. In fact it's a doughy knot, and it keeps rising and imposing its doughy flesh on other things around it.

So I'm going to change the subject real quick to avoid thinking about my painful and doughy knot. For work I am in the process of becoming a blogger. For this, I needed a bio, which coworker Christine wrote for me. Here it is, in all it's true glory:

"Stephanie is a structural engineer in HOK’s St. Louis office. A self-proclaimed engi-nerd, she can’t get through a day without using at least two out of three of her calculators (one of them is bright pink, her favorite color) and working on a spreadsheet. She is by far the loudest person in the Structures group and makes no apologies for that fact. She spends much of her time trying to figure out how architects can ignore gravity and prefers to work with people who don’t sugar coat things because she certainly does not!

Steph has lived in southern Illinois her whole life and has a Masters degree in Civil Engineering from Southern Illinois University in Edwardsville. She considered being an architect but loves math and the technical side of buildings, so structural engineering was a good fit. Perhaps a little know fact is that many of the St. Louis office employees live in Illinois and commute across the mighty Mississippi each day, including Stephanie. She is very environmentally conscious and goes out of her way to reduce her carbon footprint on Earth through a combination of car pooling, taking the bus, and driving a fuel efficient car. Someday she’d like to own a Vespa and start a scooter gang complete with matching jackets.

To say that Steph is obsessed with sheep is an understatement. Her dream job involves moving to Ireland, herding sheep during the day and tending bar at night at the local pub. In her free time, she loves to blog, eat cheese, add to her funky shoe collection, and spend time camping with her canine children, Bella and Riley."

So if you don't know me, or thought you knew me pretty well, you can make whatever assessment you like based on that bio! Thanks for reading, I need to get to work now!

Word of the day:
screw the pooch: To make a major mistake.

In use: Man, I really screwed the pooch when I talked to my boss while I was drunk last night.

[Editor's note: my word usage is from the calendar, not something I actually did to add to my nasty doughy knot!]

Lunch with Three Puerto Ricans . . . and Ray

I reread some of my older blogs this morning, which is very entertaining to do. A person can learn a lot about themselves when he or she reads what they have written. I learned two things. The first: I can tell a person anything; any truth, any desire, any fear; but only in writing. I have the opportunity weekly to say what ever I need to Amanda. I have every opportunity in the world to call Eva and say anything. I could look over to my left and tell Crystal what ever I needed. I could talk to Badger at any given moment. I could even talk to the dogs (although Bella likes to sometimes talk back)! I guess I have been disregarded enough, or stopped dead in my tracks, or hurt myself too much by letting some truth out. The more people know, the more they can and will hurt you. But that's not it though, even if I wanted to say something, I open my mouth to speak and the words stay inside, hidden like a small child trying to hide from an angry parent. Instead I just keep it all to myself and randomly let little bits of truth out in my writing. Thinking back, I have always written letters or kept a journal, something of the sort, in writing, that I sometimes mail, or sometimes let others read (like this blog).

The second thing: I have a very hard time being serious about my situations. I make jokes to ease situations, etc. Maybe all these things make me who I am, and I like that. I want to keep my stuff to me, I want to make jokes. I don't want people responding to this saying that I can tell them anything, I already know I can, I won't though. Thanks for wanting to listen.

Anyway, so as I was reading I was thinking of a lot of stories I should tell you, like Bella and the glycerin; helping Eva move and her cat attacking me; the time Dusty saved Drew's life in the swimming pool; the time Uncle Chris jumped over the fence; picnics on the porch; my pet lizards now buried in the flower pots; many camping trips; blackmail photos that I hope I own but can't remember; the Flogging Molly show where Dave King noticed me out of a crowd; smashing my finger; spraining my ankle; riding my bike into a parked car; punching Nolan at a show; John Linnell doing a double take for me and Eva; skankin' with the Specials; vacations in Texas.

Ah, well, if you have a story you want me to tell, I will, otherwise I'll save those for when I have no topics, along with other topics mentioned and not yet divulged!

I do need to be focusing on work and my experimental REVIT drafting project. The stress of work is starting to weigh in on my chest making breathing a difficult task.

Word of the day:
bajangled: To be, or have been intoxicated. Originally comes from "Mr. Bojangles".
In use: Last night I was so bajangled, I passed out in the middle of the street.

Borders and BBB

This weekend was good. Friday the 13th was a good day for me. My buddy Shane called me (from Ireland, because that's where he's at). I've made it my goal to prove there is something he does NOT know about The Clash. I bought a book and will read for the most minute of details to catch him, although he's likely to know the answer anyway. After I talked to him on the phone, Chris and I went out to eat, at Denny's! It was super tasty, and there is nothing like breakfast for dinner! Mmmmmm!

Saturday was Valentines Day, and Chris and I didn't really celebrate it. Instead we took the dogs for a car ride. I mean, V-day is about spending time with the one(s) you really love right? So I stayed in bed late snuggling with the dogs, and then we took them for a ride. Chris and I ate at Jack In the Box. I tried the new teriyaki chicken bowl which is delicious! Then we drove over to Clayton to check out the Mini of St. Louis showrooms. I got to sit in the mini's which are super cool! I totally want one! It was great looking, but eh, I have no money for buying a car! So then we went over to Sharline's house to let the dogs see grandma, and to see her new puppy Pearl. She's a mini-dachshund. Super cute. Bella loved her and just wanted to play, but Bella is a little big for her!

Sunday was run of the mill. We cleaned all morning, but the bedroom smells so good, and looks great! I'm sure the dogs will spend today working hard at stinking it back up! Chris cleaned the bathroom while I cleaned up all of my unopened mail and did laundry. After all of that was done, I went to Borders to buy my Clash book; where I ended up buying a birthday present for Grace and a 'Learn French in 3 Months' thingy. Turns out the thing I got Grace is something she already has, but that's okay, I can get her something else that's super cool! Anyway after Borders I ran over to the BBB (Bed Bath and Beyond) to get a shelf to put in the shower and a fogless mirror. At the BBB, they had the Shamwow! So I bought Shamwow! I am sure to let you know how awesome it is!

Anyway, in order to get work done, I should move on, so here are the words of the day and weekend:

L bomb: When someone unexpectedly tells you that they love you. It usually comes out of the blue when you least expect it and are not prepared to respond. In Use:
Dude 1: Dude! Shannon totally dropped the L bomb on me last night!
Dude 2: What did you do?
Dude 1: I said "I love you too".

jackass of all trades: a person who is exceptionally bad at everything.
In use: Stefan is a dork. Give him anything to do and he'll screw it up. He's a Jackass of all trades.

Even Longer Weekend

This past weekend was even longer than the one before. My dogs are healing well from their surgeries. Riley's eyes are looking beautiful, and Bella acts as though nothing has changed.

Chris had lithotripsy done on Friday, and is feeling much better. He went to work today, so he is Iza's problem now. LOL, I mean that lovingly!

Now that this is over, we have S's surgery today, and E's tomorrow. I have my exam in two weeks and after that I will be close to the top of the hill whose valley I have fallen into! Momentary lapses of Zen deep breathing will float me to the top!