A Pros and Cons List

I may not be the smartest girl, I may not always make the right choices, but I do have some principles I try to live by; for example, these days I try to avoid negatively impacting anyone's life. Now there will certainly be times that this cannot be helped. If you hit me, I will hit back; SHWAP, negative impact. If you insult me, I will sharpen my pencil and jab you back; SHWAP, negative impact. If you make me design a nasty and huge cantilever, I will get cranky; SCHWAP, negative impact.

So, now, when it comes to having children, I have to make a pros and cons list. You might think that you know me, and as such, you would believe that I'd be decent with kids. You might suspect that I would encourage them to do well in anything they desire, I could be an inspiration, I could harbor intelligent beings...I will not deny those possibilities. But, if we are going to consider possibilities, there are some others that must be thought of, as I would not want to have a bad impact on children especially. Here is part of my list...

One Hand	The Other
a.k.a. the pros	a.k.a. the cons
Having seen the humans that have reproduced, I feel compelled to provide at least one decent human being for the future. This is not arrogance, it is the reality of things	Having seen the quantity of human beings on this planet, we need no more, I have strict moral/ethic beliefs in any couple having 2 kids, one to replace each adult...seems no one follows my logic
	I think my patience would run low very quickly
	I can suffer from severe depression, I worry one day it will go too far, my children would be motherless; what if it were one of my children that found me??; what if my children thought I didn't love them; what if they thought I was weak??
I think I would be good with kids	If my depression is hereditary, I do not want to pass it along. I never, and mean fucking never want someone to suffer from this. It hurts in ways I can't explain.
Apple picking would be more fun that it already is!	Postpartum Depression...could kill myself, the child, or both.
	Screaming kids make me want to smack them, and people can't just go around smacking their kids these days!

Seems I'm stuck. People think I am a terrible person. I don't like to judge anyone else, but it seems they like to judge me. They think I'm immoral and unjust. They think my logic is flawed. They think I'm a monster. It's sad that when I speak out on my truths, I'm judged for them, thus pushing me back into my corner to hide. It makes me realize that I can't speak out. It makes my heart break, more than it's already bruised and tattered. But I guess on the good side, there is at least one person in this world that takes the consideration of children serious! Also on the good side, the dogs don't need to stress about being replaced too soon!!

Your Mask Gave Me A Nightmare!

Today's foot wear of choice...

Yippee Kay Ya

So last night I had a dream that involved three things. Riley in an aquarium, me shooting a Tommy gun, and masks. I don't know if these were separate dreams or one congealed blob of blur that had me waking in a sweaty panic, but this is how it goes...

I'm at some type of public aquarium, were turtles and schools of fish are on display. There is a pool with a hip height railing around it so that viewers may stand and look down into the clear open water. The far wall was a giant glass tank with much larger creatures, one of which was a squid. For some reason I had Riley with me. While I was preoccupied with trying to keep a turtle from eating my bare toes [why was I without shoes?], Riley jumped into the water, started swimming around and ducking his head into the water trying to eat the schools of fish! Once I was able to get him out of the water, we went to dry off and that is when I learned we both had the flu. Yep, that's right, me and Riley had the flu!

While Riley and I are "quarantined" in an old abandoned office space [that just happened to have old drafting tables set up in a classroom type setting], I found an old Tommy gun inside a desk. Having always wanted to fire one to hear the onomatopoeic "tat-tat-tat", I recovered it from its hiding spot, loaded her up, and took aim at a wall opposite me. I shot right through the wall and freed myself and Riley from our "prison". The movements in this segment were exaggerated and larger than life, much like films portraying the Prohibition era [imagine Bonnie and Clyde hanging out an old Ford V-8 firing away behind them in an erratic chase]!

At this point it gets sketchy. I don't know if I was in the Australian outback where I presume my subconscious led me or if I was just in an arid and dusty plains somewhere in the middle of the US. In any case I was now alone. In fact it seemed to me as if having Riley with me was a dream [a dream within a dream?].

I skulked along peering around boulders and patches of tall grasses having the feeling of being chased by something. I knew I had to get out of this location but I didn't know where to go. After what seemed like countless hours I peered around a boulder to see a man wearing a mask. It was in fact THIS MASK [thanks to @FrankieP, it is in fact him in that creepy mask]. The entire time this was happening, I felt as if I carried knowledge of something very secretive. The masked person was after me. I only got as close as 50 feet before I startled myself upright in bed with a sheeny dew of perspiration to sheathe my face and neck.

I've told you before, and I will tell you again, I have mask and painted-face-aphobia! Does it to me every time!

I have reasons why I think I dreamed all of this, and perhaps later I can elaborate, but for now, work beckons [in its bastardy whiny voice]!

Word...
pancake:

1. To end a relationship suddenly.
2. To get dumped by someone and remain clueless to the reason.