I Hate Change

I've said it, what seems like, a million times.  I do not handle change well.  This past year has really tested me and while I can at least say I'm coming out alive and essentially unscathed (thank my lucky stars)...mentally I am a basket case.

Let's go back to March of 2014.  That isn't when the major changes happened but that's when they started creeping into my life.

March 2014 - I moved from the downtown office location of my then employer to a satellite office.  The new office wasn't bad but it was a change no less.  I liked the people there, I liked the new office, I even managed to handle the longer commute.  In no time I felt adjusted.  I think it might have helped that I had a new friend among coworkers and it smoothed things out for me.

July 2014 - We decide to enroll Lil Bit in preschool.  I have a hard time with this for two reasons...I feel weird about taking her from my sister, who had watched her since I returned to work when she was 3 months old.  I also feel weird because she's growing up and I'm not ready for this.  I'm not ready for the change in life, the change in schedule, the change in her innocence...etc.  You understand if you've ever been there.  It's the last time you'll enroll your baby in preschool...she's no longer a baby, she's a freaking PRESCHOOLER.  It's rough but I think I can do it.

August 2014 - Lil Bit's first day of school; there are festivities the entire week before, events, meetings with the new teacher, school supply shopping, much ado about preschool.  I cried like a baby when I dropped her off and had to turn around and walk away.  Heartbreaking.  I guess the nice thing in terms of change is that it wasn't necessarily a huge change in my schedule as my husband generally took Lil Bit 2 days a week to his parents in the morning and they took her and picked her up from school.  It was significant that she was not at my sister's for 5 days of the week.  But, there was a plus, let me tell you, I have waited ages to take my child (I thought about this even when I did not have a child) school supply shopping.  It, in some ways, got me through this week.

September 2014 - My sister informs me that she's moving to a different state.  I hold it together long enough to leave her house before I sob the entire way home.  She was there for me always...literally, physically there for me.  She consoled me, amused me, cared for my child, and in general was just there for me.  I panic for a bit but then go into "get things done" mode.  I make provisions for my daughter's child care which now means that she's going to Child Care 3 days a week and to the grandparents/school two days a week.  It is a significant change to my schedule but also a significant change in my venting sessions.  If not for my new coworker/friend...it could have gone bad...but I managed through it.  I struggled, felt depressed, came to terms, worked through it, and came out unscathed having finally gotten into a comfortable but revised schedule and routine by the end of October.  I am happy for my sister and her family...it has seemed to work out well for all.

December 2014 - I am laid off from my then employer.  I'm hit hard by this....come home to sob into Riley who sat there staring at me like I was nuts, after all, it was just a job.  This whole ordeal severely depresses me and I keep myself busy with sewing projects and Christmas events and volunteering at Lil Bit's school.  I didn't even read during this time.  Also, December depresses me in general because it's the end of the holiday season when things get packed up and festive decorations come down and we begin the Holiday Doldrums until May.  I really suffer silently through this.  I am fortunate to have found a new (and better in so many ways) job within one week of my lay-off.  I get a month off, essentially paid for, during the holidays to spend with my family, and to do things for my child's school.  In hindsight I see this and think of nothing depressing at all.  Just a lot of change.

January 2015 - I start my new job.  I also start teaching a class two evenings a week at SIUE.  Lil Bit starts taking a dance class.  It's a major adjustment to routine and schedule.  We struggle through but are settled by the end of February.

April 2015 - I decide to start taking care of myself again.  I exercise, I eat well, I take great vitamins (that I even promote to people (Advocare if you are wondering)).  I'm doing well...I feel the best I've felt in a long time.

May 2015 - The most devastating month ever.  Everything feels like it ends in May.  I finished the book series I had been reading since September 2014.  Change to a new book I suppose.  Final exams for my class end the first week in May and while I'm happy for it to be over, it's a change.  Lil Bit's first year of preschool comes to end.  I miss her teacher already.  Again, change.  Dance class comes to an end (the recital was today and Lil Bit doesn't think she wants to dance again...I kind of miss it).  Change.  Despite all this change and adjustment to schedules (even with the beginning of camping season and the opening of the pool, and just things in general) the one thing that is killing me over and over is the loss of Riley.  I miss him and I say it's heartbreaking and sometimes I wonder if that's going to be literal for me because the panic attacks I get thinking of him hurt my heart, and my lungs, and every single part of me as I gasp for breath.  I feel silly acting this way.  He was after all a dog...we expect the loss of them over our lifetime...it wasn't entirely a surprise, though far too soon.  I can't help but break each day as I see something that makes me think of my friend.  It's been the hardest change so far.

I feel ridiculous not being able to handle change.  Ridiculous.  It could be so much worse...trust me, I play the scenarios in my head often.  I'd talk them out but in some ways I've lost some of my best consolation between Riley, my sister, and my coworker/friend.  They listened when they didn't need to and still at least 2 of them do...just not face to face, it makes things a bit harder.  And, looking back to the past, I realize I do get over it; but right now, I just feel.....ridiculous, lousy, panicky, and lost just to name a few.  I hate this feeling.  I just go everyday for as long as I can and when the feeling overwhelms me, and it does, I just let it wash over me so I can get back up and move on out of the sludge as best as possible.  And hopefully, in a few months, when a million more changes have come at me...maybe I can look back to now and say, "If I made it through that, I will make it again"...and if not, I guess I should go school supply shopping?

In any case, it feels good to have gotten this off my chest.  Thanks world for listening.  My heart goes out to a few of my friends suffering through their own things.  One friend T. lost his long time girlfriend to a peculiar medical incident which leaves him and her entire family mourning the loss of a very special young woman.  My friend K. is losing her dad and while I wish there was something I could say to her to ease the pain...I can only just sit here and be ready to hug her when she needs it.  Lousy feeling indeed.  My friend C. lost a niece tragically in a car accident this week and her sister is struggling to stay alive...I've been thinking of them often.  And to a woman I only know professionally, I hope to never know your pain of losing a child.  Her son died this week, age 27, while exercising.  He was in generally good health.   Life is so fragile, I try to remember that this crappy feeling of mine could be trumped with real sadness of fear in the blink of an eye.  Hug those you love, tell them you care....never let a crappy mood get you so down you miss the good things.

Appreciation

It's been some time since I've blogged anywhere. Not only am I finding it very hard to find the time to blog, but I just haven't wanted to do so. December has been a hard month. It started out with good people in the hospital and turned into a nightmare that has been overwhelming for everyone involved. My best friend since I was 5 years old lost her baby boy Wyatt on December 13th after he spent 33 wonderful weeks in his mother's womb. To make things even more dramatic for her family, her mom was in the hospital that weekend before with serious issues as well. In an odd twist, many other friends have been going to funerals all month. Even this month my mom experienced a double edged sword with a recent medical diagnosis. While we are happy she has a diagnosis, we are worried at the road she now must take. I can tell you that it makes me appreciate my Dano-Dano even at three in the morning during a crying fit. It makes me appreciate my friends and family. It makes me appreciate getting the chance to do things that many cannot do and that others take for granted.

Normally I'd use this time in my blog to vent, to share my feelings, and to get out of my head what ever it is that dwells there. But this time I'm not going to do so. I feel as though I will always remember the anger, sadness, guilt, lack of understanding, love for friends and family, and general hopelessness of this event for which I will eventually come to terms. Instead, I am going to end here to head over to Baby-Blog and write about a few things there. I will also leave here with the following poem. I read it shortly after my dad died and really liked it. It was read last night at Wyatt's memorial as well.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

I Forgot Your Words...

Who watched House? I wasn't too happy with the episodes because it dealt with two uncomfortable subjects for me...depression and failure. I was just curious to see how you felt about the show?

Anyway, the whole point of coming back here, I completely forgot to give you all some words to ponder!

bangover: The aching feeling you have after a night of rough sex, sometimes creating the need to take Advil.

show weight: Your ideal weight for appearance in public (e.g. on TV or at a high school reunion), or to fit into a particular outfit.

CI: Confidential Informant, any individual under the direction of a police officer who furnishes information about criminal activity with or without compensation.

A Pros and Cons List

I may not be the smartest girl, I may not always make the right choices, but I do have some principles I try to live by; for example, these days I try to avoid negatively impacting anyone's life. Now there will certainly be times that this cannot be helped. If you hit me, I will hit back; SHWAP, negative impact. If you insult me, I will sharpen my pencil and jab you back; SHWAP, negative impact. If you make me design a nasty and huge cantilever, I will get cranky; SCHWAP, negative impact.

So, now, when it comes to having children, I have to make a pros and cons list. You might think that you know me, and as such, you would believe that I'd be decent with kids. You might suspect that I would encourage them to do well in anything they desire, I could be an inspiration, I could harbor intelligent beings...I will not deny those possibilities. But, if we are going to consider possibilities, there are some others that must be thought of, as I would not want to have a bad impact on children especially. Here is part of my list...

One Hand	The Other
a.k.a. the pros	a.k.a. the cons
Having seen the humans that have reproduced, I feel compelled to provide at least one decent human being for the future. This is not arrogance, it is the reality of things	Having seen the quantity of human beings on this planet, we need no more, I have strict moral/ethic beliefs in any couple having 2 kids, one to replace each adult...seems no one follows my logic
	I think my patience would run low very quickly
	I can suffer from severe depression, I worry one day it will go too far, my children would be motherless; what if it were one of my children that found me??; what if my children thought I didn't love them; what if they thought I was weak??
I think I would be good with kids	If my depression is hereditary, I do not want to pass it along. I never, and mean fucking never want someone to suffer from this. It hurts in ways I can't explain.
Apple picking would be more fun that it already is!	Postpartum Depression...could kill myself, the child, or both.
	Screaming kids make me want to smack them, and people can't just go around smacking their kids these days!

Seems I'm stuck. People think I am a terrible person. I don't like to judge anyone else, but it seems they like to judge me. They think I'm immoral and unjust. They think my logic is flawed. They think I'm a monster. It's sad that when I speak out on my truths, I'm judged for them, thus pushing me back into my corner to hide. It makes me realize that I can't speak out. It makes my heart break, more than it's already bruised and tattered. But I guess on the good side, there is at least one person in this world that takes the consideration of children serious! Also on the good side, the dogs don't need to stress about being replaced too soon!!

Worried Over-Protective Friend?

..thunk-thunk..thunk-thunk..thunk-thunk...that's the sound of my plaid chucks as they slap the concrete walkways of the empty office. They seem louder than normal, probably because it's so quiet, but also perhaps because I walk with a heavy thud when I'm depressed. I shouldn't be depressed, after all I ran a lot this weekend. Yesterday I did my first 5k, today I ran 2 miles. This entire weekend I've eaten more chocolate than I ever should have thought about consuming for an entire month [but really that is a depressing thought]. I even got some shopping done for clothes that fit a bit better!

But, alas, I am depressed. I've worked most of the weekend on a building that I am starting to hate [cantilevers are the bane of my existence]. I'd love to talk more about it, but due to some confidentiality contracts, I can't tell you anything about it.

I'm also really worried about my friend Shane. I haven't heard from him in some time. I don't expect to hear from him; I won't really ever hear from him until he needs something from me. It's sort of how it works, user (him), usee (me)...I'm sure some of you can relate to at least being one or the other, dragged along in some hopeless charade. That is despite the point; my point is that normally he at least checks his e-mail and responds with some insignificant arrogant remark; often he at least posts some video of some song to entertain himself; or perhaps at least signs in to myspace. I haven't seen him around anywhere. That worries me, I hope he is okay and perhaps just busy! I fear he could be in the hospital, which is not unheard of for him. I fear worse that he could be [gulp] dead. I know, I know, I know..."stop being a mom", stop thinking the worst", "gosh, can't a guy just get some air", "let go"....but when I'm having nightmares about it, I think you should understand it's a bit harder to just stop worrying than you think it is for me.

You've been there right, worrying? A lump in your throat, the constant inability to focus on a task, the chest aches...

I'm being silly right? Tell me I'm being a silly over-protective friend!

ANYWAY, back to anything else to talk about...I'm back at the office, to work in the dark, in the heat, and alone [the best way to be]. I have a mental list of things to hammer out before I leave tonight [that is a great visual, me, my hammer in hand, beating things to total uselessness, if you could only see my awful smirk].

I've got to get to it, so perhaps I will write more later, but until then, here is a word for the weekend's end...

reefy: Cool or awesome. Often preceded by "so" and used by surfers.