You Suck!

Ah, nothing like some hot tea with a bit of milk and sweetener to get you going on a cool and rainy Spring day! Or, that's what I am telling myself!

I wanted to blog yesterday night, but I had taken some diphenhydramine and had the urge to sleep. Knowing that I rarely feel the opportunity to sleep, I took my mind up on its offer and crashed into bed with my snuggle pillow held tightly to me! It lasted until about 2 or 3 in the morning. I was awaken to a nightmare that I no longer recall; but I can vividly remember my heart beating at a ridiculous pace! I nodded in and out of sleep until about 5:30 this morning. I am so tired!

On other topics I went to the bookstore last night. Borders of course! I had to go because the latest Sookie Stackhouse novel was out on bookshelves yesterday. I couldn't miss buying that. I also was at the end of my Christopher Moore book, A Dirty Job. I had purposely dragged it out as long as I could even though it was really good to read! I loaned it to Chris because I truly believe he will appreciate the humor! Something I learned about that book just last night . . . it glows in the dark! All this time and I just learned it! Of course I don't make a habit of reading in the dark so I have to wonder just how many people know about its glowing properties?

It happens every time I walk into the doors of the bookstore; euphoria from the perfect temperature, perfect lighting, and the smell of refreshing books! Dead and Gone was right there for me when I walked through the door, I snatched it up as if someone were ready to remove them as a waiter removes a half full plate in front of a still consuming diner! I wasn't about to let it out of my sight!

I marched onward with a mental list of books I wanted to peruse! More Christopher Moore, Chuck Palahniuk, and a handful of titles I could think of at that moment. As it always goes, I can never leave a book store with fewer than two books, I left with three. Lovely Bones, You Suck, and Dead and Gone.

Also yesterday, Shane sent me to some videos of Olga from Toy Dolls teaching how to play various songs on the guitar! It was brilliant! So thanks for that Shane Brain! I'm still so far back on the learning curve I'm beginning to believe I'll never figure it out. My fingers just don't move that fast. But I suppose, like everything else I have ever encountered, it will take time, practice, and patience!

Other things I find noteworthy:

I wrote in My Other Blog yesterday as well should you want to look at some cool photos. I finally watched Monday's episode of House, where CTB (a.k.a. Amber) sang part of a Specials song! I reached 100 posts on Twitter (which I some how felt unaffected by). I read through a blog called (and previously referred to in my blogs) Bifsniff; where I found a trailer that was very interesting (to say the least). BUT, on that blog is a great, and I mean great sort of advertisement. I do think you will like it!

Now that I have rambled, please write me to tell me how you are doing! Maureen, I haven't heard from you in ages. Are you doing okay?

Word of the day-
snark: Sarcastic comments. Combination of "snide" and "remark". {Sounds like this word is right up my alley]

A Message to Bernie

My fingers are numb. I guess that is what happens when people learn to play the guitar. I'm not doing so well with learning the guitar, but I figure it's a lot like learning to type, eventually the brain will memorize the exact location of the finger placement to achieve a certain note.

So this morning I heard the story of my dear little friend Grace T., who got in trouble for calling someone fat. Her innocence is going when she notices people are different! It sounds as if she was fairly certain that her life was over!

I couldn't sleep last night, which I suppose is not really surprising these days. Lots of tossing and turning and trying to get comfortable, and thinking about this or that, legs fidgeting, or saying the States in alphabetical order (a compulsive behavior I have acquired)!

My morning started out hectically with me having to answer RFI's (Requests for Information - from contractors) to a job I am no longer involved in, and when I was involved I wasn't even doing design but drafting (modeling in REVIT). Got that done though and am back to my confidential job. Load cases! Exciting, I can see it in your face. (Yea, maybe I really CAN see your face)!

The one thing that has made my day though: my message to Bernie! Oh yes, I sent a message to Eva's business partner telling him that we used to take baths together as children. It's been the long running joke since I told her doctors! Oh the laughter that poured out when I saw her e-mail to me. There was payback, but it was worth it!

Okay, well then, on that note, sorry for the overwhelmingly dull blog!

Word of the day-
poser: One who pretends to be someone they are not or who tries to fit in but exaggerates.

Buckle in Boys and Girls

I have lots to talk about today, so buckle in boys and girls!

Austin, Texas was okay. It would be like coming to St. Louis, but staying out in West County, or Collinsville, Illinois. There was little to do. Fortunately for me, Dr. Cross, my former college professor and advisor, took the same flight there and back, so I ended up having company. I doubt he will ever read this blog, but if he does, thanks again for the ride home, and just your company in general!

Coworker Rachel K., now Rachel P., got married this past weekend. So a great big congratulations to Rachel and Jeff!

Shane sent me some videos to watch, well that turned into me going through all sorts of old Raffi videos! Do you remember Raffi? I miss Raffi and haven't thought of him in years! He had the best songs, and looking back, they are still the best songs! (Also on this note Shane, that puppet thing you watched as a kid is creepy, and I remember number 1 of the code, find a safe place, and have managed to forget the rest . . . oops).

Eva got a new car, a Volvo. Yes it is true that while cruising around in the Volvo she and I appeared to be two young girls borrowing mommy's car; but damn it, that's what a midlife crisis is all about! A major plus is that it has curtain airbags along the entire interior of the car, so she and I do not have to wear helmets!

Tuesday, the next Sookie Stackhouse book comes out. This is going to be very exciting to read!

Kelly G. left another comment to my blog; I know she is reading. That is awesome, so thanks again (I really like you, I could see why some one is so overly joyed by your presence)! I know my sister, my brother Drew, and Becky randomly read, they either have told me in person or have left some comments. Thanks to you three as well. I believe Chris reads because he has said he does, and when I quiz him on it (which I am entitled to do) he knows bits and pieces. That's more than most people so a big thanks to him. I believe Amanda reads, she knows bits and pieces of stuff I have written as well, so if you are reading, a big thanks to you! Dr. Cross and I talked a bit about you, he's very happy with your progression at the Corps!

Jami bought a new semi-hollow body guitar. So, for my birthday, he gave me his old Epiphone guitar (great for learners). I am so excited, Eva took me to Guitar Center to buy some new strings, a tuner, and some books. I eyed up the acoustic guitars, because eventually, if I learn to play this guitar, I want an acoustic. Guitars are awesome. I think my love for them comes from Raffi!

Bernie King, awesome musician that he is, sent me a message (via MySpace) to say hello. Bernie, or as I know him, Crazy B., is Eva's coworker. I know she really enjoys her work and even more so, enjoys working with her business partners. I am very happy she gets to work with some one as crafty and talented as B!

Just a couple of reminders before I go: Mother's Day is Sunday. My birthday is in one week (the 11th). My party is the 16th. If you want to come and did not recieve an invitation, please e-mail me!

Words of the weekend and today-
NSFW: Acronym for "not safe for work". Used to describe Internet content not generally suitable for the typical workplace. Opposite of SFW, "suitable for work".

perma-sweater: Now shirt, no problem; because you're wearing a sweater of body hair all year-round!

What Songs Could You Not Live Without Hearing?

Well I successfully pulled off the longest work weekend of my life time. Okay, so maybe there was a worse one from college. I think what made this one so much more difficult is the combination of just being depressed and being sick. I need sleep bad, I am so tired and exhausted and lacking adequate oxygen I think! Throwing up sounds appealing at the moment!

It felt good yesterday to get a proverbial pat on the back from Andrew. It was nice to feel as though I helped and was wanted around. The feeling only lasted a little bit, but was nice when it was there.

So other things that happened this weekend: I have planned to meet Shane for tea in Dublin; got my tix for the London show of a lifetime; got the call that Amanda's grandma passed away (I had known it was coming since Dad passed away, their health seemed tied together); got a new dosage and variety of meds (which are so-so); made Andrew laugh during a hectic weekend (which was nice to see); Rachel K.'s shower got postponed (she and not-yet-born baby are doing well in the hospital); found out some one broke into our camper while in storage and stole my camping chairs (fuckers)!

So I guess I want to take a minute to say that I don't mean to scare people with my blogs. It's just how and where I vent. I can't say that I don't have myself scared, because frankly I am. I haven't felt this down and out in ages. I have my bouts, like the exam failing for example. But I rebound. I don't feel like I'm rebounding this time. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, and ready to quit (yes quit everything). Thanks for caring though, and to offer to listen. It means a lot, but not as much as I think it should right now. The only thing I can really say about that right now is is "Don't Panic". I guess I at least found humor in the fact that Crystal thinks I hide depression well. I think if she knew me better she would see right through me! I also find humor in the fact that as depressed as I might be, I am still making terrible jokes, puns, and literary notes!

I would normally wrap the blog up about now and get to work. Screw that, I've been here working a lot lately, and I deserve a few minutes of blog time (or hours). So I can't think of anything to write, so I will wander back to my list of topics and write about one of those; that topic will be guitars! I do love music, so what better a way to try and cheer myself up than with a little bit of music talk! I can't get enough music ever! So here we go . . .

If you put your headphones on, and flip through your music player to Redemption Song by Bob Marley you hear the beginning of the song start with the soothing sound of stings being plucked over a hollow body called the acoustic guitar. The way this works is that the strings have individual resonant frequencies that produce a specific tone based on the vibration over this hollow body. I won't dwell on this portion of my topic. While I am intrigued by all objects' resonant frequencies, I am sure you are not! If you listen closely enough, you can almost hear the sound of grooved fingerprinted surfaces sliding along the strings to the locations needed to produce the sound required. It is the simplest of notes it seems. Daaa da da daa da da dada; daa da dada dadada daaa. I could replay the beginning of that song over and over and over again! It's a great song with my favorite lyrics being "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds".

Another song that I love to hear the guitar played to is I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie. It's another song where you hear the subtle shrieks of hand movement along the guitar neck. Another detail that makes this song so beautiful to me is the breathing you hear in the beginning guitar solo. Never paid attention to it? Well put the headphones back on, scroll through to the song, and hit play! Listen intently to the music, you'll hear the subtle sounds of hand movement and breathing. Lyrically, it's a beautiful song too. I think everyone wants to know that some one would feel that way about them; "If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark". If you feel that way about some one, please tell them! They may not know, and it may be the thing that keeps them from going insane!

Next on my list is Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley. I've mentioned this in a blog before. The breath, almost a sigh perhaps at the beginning of the song. Then a guitar solo that really goes from just an intro to a climax that ultimately leads into the song with some lyrics such as "your faith was strong but you needed proof", and "love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's broken hallelujah". Brilliant!

We move along to something different, to say The Ol' Beggars Bush by Flogging Molly where the guitar is the blank canvas so to speak. It's melodic, but not overpowering so that the other instruments and singing are what promenade out of the headphones into your ears.

Then there are songs like Old Friend by Rancid where the guitar provides the base, but without that sound, the song would not be the same. It's the quick poppy sounds that really help make it identifiable and unique. Of course the lyrics are brilliant to me as well. "Good morning heartache; you're like an old friend; come and see me again". Ain't that the damned truth!

There are songs like Rock This Town by Stray Cats. It's fast and upbeat, but it's the base guitar that really sets the mood with the drums dancing right along side. The guitar jumps in with his quick movements that really make you think the guitarists fingers are going to get stuck and tangled in the guitar's strings!

Then there are the songs where the guitar is fast and furious and played with a heavy fist of fury, great for those moods where hitting something seems appropriate. Gosh, I have so many songs here I can't give you one example!! Imagine that, I would have music for the "hitting something" mood!

And just for Mike H. (who played Redemption Song for me on his acoustic guitar once); the Ramones! Ha, go on your tangent! I still love them, always will; so to your argument I say "whatever"!

So, I could really talk hours on this subject, there are a lot of songs I love. I want to know what songs are yours! What songs could you not live without hearing? Is it the guitar or drums or voices that get your thoughts into another state of mind? What kick have you been on lately?


Words of the weekend and today:
peasantvision: Television channels you get without a cable or satellite TV subscription.

nillionaire: Person without any money of their own.

Sweet Jeff Tweedy

I was going to write about one of the following: the apocalypse (and my preparedness), Mardi Gras, Teaching at SIUE, or guitars (redemption song and crazy little thing called love). Perhaps I will since I just started writing this today, and since I am really bustin' a move to get a shop drawing submittal out, I will randomly write parts of my blog when I need a break from my yellow hi-liter and red pen. Drew, you recall those days of transferring redmarks for me? Yea, well, I don't have to transfer those marks anymore, I make them once and get my copies scanned these days. It's really a sweet deal going green and all. Anyway, so back to what I was saying, I don't know what I'll get time to write about, it's sort of a crap shoot. For those readers unfamiliar with a 'crap shoot', it refers to a dice game called Craps, where everything is random and based on chance. I know this because my Urban Dictionary from which I give you the word of the day has a website where you can look up such things as crap shoot!

So I did at least want to talk about music for a brief (or rather not so brief) moment. I wanted to say that I really want to go to both Bonnaroo and the NO Jazz Fest this year. Now I have to admit that I really am NOT, let me specify NOT a fan of either. Let me elaborate. Bonnaroo is a smelly music festival for hippies and hordes of unbathed men who travelled in a shoddy van for hundreds of miles to great Tennessee where scary things are bound to happen. I am neither a hippie (another blog, another day), nor a smelly man from a scary horde! The NOJF takes place in possibly one of the smelliest cities in the world, New Orleans. I like it there, it's nostalgic and architecturally rich, and even a little spooky, but ungodly smelly. Not to mention that I think Jazz is A.D.H.D. for music. I love just random odd stuff, but sometimes Jazz is hard to listen to, nothing to follow, no organization, no structure. Jazz that HAS structure is great, without it, oh, my brain spins in all directions trying to make sense of the world! Anyway, now you know how I feel about these festivals, and you are wondering, "if you dislike them so much, why do you want to go"? Let me tell you some people that are playing: Beastie Boys, NIN, WILCO, Elvis Costello, Bela Fleck, Ben Harper, Coheed and Cambria, and Robyn Hitchcock. THAT is just Bonnaroo! Now I would travel a ridiculous length for Wilco, Robyn H. and Elvis C. Seriously I can't say that enough! The others would just be perks so to speak, but damn, Wilco, oh sweet Jeff Tweedy! I just can't say that enough, do you believe me yet? Okay so NOJF: Joe Cocker, DB-Truckers, Wilco, Etta James, B.t Ezra, and enough Zydeco to drive a person batty! Did you see Wilco in that list? I thought you did, do I need to say o' sweet Jeff Tweedy again?? Ok, oh sweet Jeff Tweedy! So there, now you know my over-exhilaration for Wilco and Jeff Tweedy.

So back to the fest's. I won't be going to either of these. Another year perhaps? Anyway, you might be wondering what brought this on, well, I have my Zune on shuffle, and Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah came to play. If you've never heard it, you should, I'll even let you borrow my headphones. Close your eyes, listen to the breath he takes at the very beginning, listen to the strain in his voice, and the lack thereof as well. Listen to the guitar. I don't even know who plays the guitar in this song, but it's heavenly, if such a word can be used to describe it! Oh sweet Jeff Buckley! He unfortunately died because he was stupid enough to step into the Mighty Mississippi and drowned. But I was thinking what a treat it would have been to see and hear him live. I don't want to miss those chances with other musicians such as Wilco.

So that should have been much shorter but I got on a tangent. So I will save my topics, (the apocalypse (and my preparedness), Mardi Gras, Teaching at SIUE, guitars (redemption song and crazy little thing called love), and now hippies) for another day and another blog!

Here's to wishing Rachel yet another 'get well soon'. Shane, stay out of the hospital unless it is of course absolutely necessary. Drew, stop worrying about the piggies. Go out and blog!

Here's the word of the day:
Leave Britney Alone: An exclamation made when your friends or family are teasing you to a point where you can't handle it anymore and a hissy fit is in order. Derived from a YouTube user's famed outburst following Britney's lackluster performance at the 2007 VMA's.

In use:
Chic 1: OMG Susan, I can't believe you wore that skirt two days in a row, and everyone knows what you did with Kevin. And, you are looking a little fat today!
Chic 2: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE

Dead Version of Him

So this morning, as I wait for others to get to the office, I will write my daily blog. The problem with getting to work early is that often when things need to be done by others, I must wait. Anyway, so I had a lot of thoughts about what I wanted to write about today, so in my most awful penmanship, I jotted them down.

For starters, when I walked in today, I had to weave through a massive crowd of athletes all waiting to climb the stairs of my building. Here at Met. Square, is this crazy thing called, Master the Met, where individuals climb the stairs to the 42nd floor. Yea, I briefly thought about doing it, but when exercise without the stair climbing makes my knee swell to the size of a cantaloupe, I think maybe I should avoid this obstacle in life! So to the elevators I go, "Elevator going up"!

So speaking of hellish things like stair climbing, last night I had some nightmares. Actually two nightmares, but the same one twice (if that made sense). The basic premise of the dream is that my father killed my grandparents, chopped up their bodies and put them in a clear plastic trash bag stuffed in a closet in the basement of my house. Well in my dream the house that was "mine", was actually my family's (we're a happy family; me, mom, and dad) but actually took place in what is today my grandfather's house. In the dream, the guy who was my father was the dead version of him, the guy from the casket anyway. My mom was herself, but young like in her photos. My older brother and I were as we are today, but my younger brother was small, like 3 or 4, when I used to take care of him in those family crises that meant my older brother and I would sneak, with baby brother to the car (sweet Nova), get into the back seat, slink down real low and hide! Anyway, that's a whole different nightmare I called reality that doesn't get discussed; so in the dream, I find out that my father did this and I have to get my brothers out of the house so they don't find out. Well I don't know how the dream ended in this version, but the smell was very real, and awful. I cried a lot in this version of the dream, imagine that, I cry a lot all the time! In the second version, the basic same thing happened, but I had to tell my mom what happened and show her the body parts. I had to sneak us out of the house, I had to get clothes for everyone, I had to get our valuables. At the end, before calmly walking out the door, I told my dad not to take all of this personally, that he would always be my daddy, no matter how old I was. I got in my car with family and things in tow and started to drive off when my older brother jumped out of the car to get, of all things, the hose! By this point we were fleeing for our lives so I had to run out and help him as fast as I could and I was falling and trying to move without being able to do so. I was wakened by my alarm, so I'll never know how that dream ends, thankfully.

Since I woke up with what felt like little sleep because of nightmares, I got dressed half asleep. What was I thinking, red and white striped socks with pink and gray plaid loafers. Really what was I thinking??!!??!! Anyway in addition to my "getting ready soap box", I realized as I brushed my teeth, that I will be a really overburdening mother. I'll always be saying things like "stand up straight", "tie your shoes", "eat your food", "take your medicine", "stop slouching", "squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube", "pull the shower curtain out to dry", "clean up your mess", "wipe up your crumbs" . . . . etc. That could a really frightening thing to do to another human being. Poor children! Speaking of moms and children, I'd like to wish my preggo friend Rachel a speedy recovery. Such an enigma she is indeed!

Okay, so I've written a lot already, so I'll save the following topics for another day this week, the apocalypse (and my preparedness), Mardi Gras, Teaching at SIUE, and guitars (redemption song and crazy little thing called love).

I'd like to give you the word of the day and finish this with a tiny list of small things that make me happy.

tramp stamp: A tattoo above a woman's ass crack. In use: Her pants were so low cut, you could see her tramp stamp

A few of my favorite things:
-The sound of a guitar, more specifically when you can hear the finger glide along the strings of a guitar.
-Lyrics, especially the kind that mean something to you
-Being so sleepy that there is no lying awake thinking and staring
-The way Listerine kills germs, and anything inside the mouth, I'm amazed I still have a tongue!
-My favorite T-shirt, the Airstream T-shirt!